Rememory...

my beautiful roomie, karen!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

My posts lately have been, I will openly admit, sparse and completely impossible to understand and follow- I
m Sorry!! It seems that I cant wrap my hands around everything thats been happeneing in my life lately. i remind myself over and over again that this is life- the "ebb and flow", the release and retain. i catch myself in these random moments not really existing in my own life- just going along with the motions. i was visiting my great aunt mal in the hospital last week and i realized that i couldnt remember the last time i just took a look at the world moving around me. i stopped and cried walking inside soaking in all the details in an effort to remember this moment. although im not proud of it, ill be the first to admit my memory can barely compare to a goldfish... however, when i went to the river to skip stones- the same place i went every day this summer with "him"- and again, i stopped sat down and cried. all of these memories came back, things he said, things we did- and i couldnt handle it- these were the best moments of my life so far and i remember so get of them. part of me feels like if if i could remember more maybe the clarity and closure would come more easily or maybe he would love me again. i want to be more aware of every moment because i feel like maybe things would feel richer, or as stupid as it sounds, more honest.
Everything seems so muffled and cloudy from lack of memory that i dont know what happened- whats a dream and whats reality? did i really go to his house last night? did he really *hide* in his car so he wouldnt have to see me? was i really dreaming of reciprocated love or did he actually say those words? i know it's extreme but it is still the strangest feeling.

so here i am rambling on while i should be figuring out what to do with the rest of my "year off."

I leave you with these...
www.buffalofieldcampaign.org - my most probable plan of action for next semester

"this is life" my kathy mccarty - an amazing song!!