Whistle....

kati whistle, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

and then for the first time in your life, it all turns upside down. everything you have known up to this point is questioned.
a small series of events turn into a blurr larger than life itself.
larger than you can handle.

but still, you know life goes on despite it all.

xian on the balcony, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

but really- how well can we possibly know someone? is it completely vital to know someone fully to say you even know them at all?

it's such a beautiful experience sitting in a fountain in the middle of the night unaware of what you are really saying yet having the most beautiful experience of your life.

wake up. go to bed. do your life right.

hotel mirrors, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

i wake up at 8 am.
no shower. no time.
rush to school to make up the quiz.
I rush to class right after that.
i stare off, unable to focus.
speed walking to my car,
i drive to the river,
take out my camera and shoot
all those pics for class tomorrow.
I stay a while and study some more.
go to the bank
go to the grocery store
check e-mail
write 3 papers
study
i dash to work at four,
and while we are so slow that i only make $50 a night,
i dont get cut until 8,
dont get out of there until 9.
and then i drive an hour downtown,
or fourty five minutes to towson.
i erase my mind
and hang out for a little bit
(although more times than not these visits proove to give more time for school work).
I havent seen my boyfriend *for real* in days.
I leave, get home around 4.
And then I wake up and do it all again.

and thats just a few parts of my day.

I got this post idea from the amazing jen gray. I am completely astonished, after two years of so much illness all I Really did was lay in bed, to see how people day after day get up and put themselves through hell to "get it all done." I have become one of them. So I am slowing down and urging you to do the same. (although i realized that if i could just sit at home for more than 10 minutes without needing to "run out for something" i would get SO much more rest.)

wait on me wait on me, i cant keep up i cant keep up...

I feel it.
The stress tugging and pulling me from all directions.
People need things,
and because I am the way i Iam- i do them.
And then I sit here, back sore, legs achey, head throbbing
and i realize i havent slept more than 4 or 5 hours since last week.

I am worn out.
and i am pushing myself too far.
I am trying to do too much
take more photos
write more
love more
I can't handle it.

It's such a hard thing-
admiting your limits.

I need some freedom. I feel too tied down.
I'm having one of those days where you just cant figure out what to do with yourself. (one of those months really...)

so ill make some tea
and paint
then take a long nap outside.

a home for a bunny...

if anyone is aware of a studio apartment or room for rent/sublet, ANYTHING in the San Francisco area that would be available from the middle/end of may through august 2 pppppllllease e-mail me at emmielyles@yahoo.com


:-) thank you!!!!!

it should be raining...

rainy easter flags, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

the past two days have been too much to take. it is so sunny out, but inside i feel very dark. maybe not dark so much, but all the color kind of mixed together into one incomprehensible blob.

I had tea last night with one of my best friends. it was so nice to sit down and be honest. i just sat down and said "im feeling so down today" and then for an hour or so we just talked about it all.

it's so difficult to be in this place though because i cant see what goes in front of me. where do i go next? how do i get myself out of this funk?
it just seems like everyone has something huge to deal with lately and it's not fair.

(life isnt fair.)

but i wake up the next day bright and early and think about going to class. life moves on whether i am ready for it or not.

I should have, but...

trees looking soo tall, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I should be writing my papers, but the trees look so tall driving by his house and i cant think of anything else. and i feel so small.
I should be sewing those pillow covers, but i found my ankh ring and patchouli, and really there is no better scent for me than fresh cut grass patchouli and nag champa (mixed with brilliant brunette hair gel).
I should get at least one of my seven articles needed from the college, but my library card is in the car and i cant get them without it.
I should write the overview and history of the hispanic community (only one page double spaced) but the dreary weather makes me melt and sit around drinking tea and reading White Oleander.


I feel so distracted. I have so much time but I procrastinate to smuch that I end up having no time.

Outside, it is 59 degrees ferenheit (i am a terrible speller). It is cloudy, in that stage right after, and also right before it rains. Well- should I drink moon cycle or tension tamer tea this morning? orange spice roobios sounds nice.

For what was...

sunny day late sept, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"go for long walks, indulge in hot baths. question your assumptions, be kind to yourself, live for the moment, loosen up, scream, curse the world, count your blessings, just let go, just be." -carol shields

******************************************

A beautiful day outside, sunny and in the 60s or 70s. It is days like this that tease me and make me want that ridiculous summer humidity where you cant even BREATHE it is so hot. soon enough, soon enough it will come.
But I have been thinking a lot today about where I was this time last year. Who I was. I realize now that I spent this whole year pretty much trying to get back to where i was in july/august. I have been trying to be who i was then (although, looking back that was the only time i felt truly myself in my own skin), trying to get to who I was with, what I did... trying trying trying to get back to that place in my life. And I feel embarassed. I was hesitant to write about this but i think we all have to share those embarasing weird things about us so we can feel like we arent the only strange ones...
But I can't get it back, so I am trying now to move forward and figure out--- where do i go from here? who am i now?


bless you!

emmielyles@yahoo.com

Hotel Mirrors...

hotel mirrors, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another." *Elizabeth Cady Stanton

STress and the untangling of pressure... The past... hmmm... three months or so, ever since i have gone back to school, have been the largest groupings of stress and pressure to finish it all, or even just to do it all on time. Work, school, love, live, be truthful, be heartfelt, get my words out, but before that to even know what my words are. So I havent been writing much. I havent been drawing or painting or making much. I havent been doing much.
I've found that once I get stressed, once I reach that point where I just sit down with heavy eyes and say "it's too much. i cant figure it all out. i cant do it all. i cant be it all. i cant handle it all." It halts me. Stops me dead in my tracks and completely prevents me from forward movement. Like if I get off work at 9 knowing I have a paper to start and research for another paper to finish, rather than coming home and finishing by 11, or midnight, and going back out- I drive around. I get worked up and start to think about all the things that I don't have figured out yet- When exactly will I move this summer? When will I come back? Do I have enough money saved? CAn I afford the life that I want? Am I doing too much? Where will I live next semester? Should I transfer in the spring or the fall? Is Goucher really right? And then I am done for. I get so overwhelmed by the possibility of it all. I get so overcome by the idea that if I do one of these many many things that I am trying to do, then there will inevitably be another thing i wanted to do, but now cant because i am doing something else. (at least in terms of school, work, love, location, etc)
Yesterday though I had such a long talk with my amazing and beautiful mother. For hours I just kind of let most of it out... taking all my frustration and overwhelming feelings and presenting them to her. and she had at least one solution to each of them. while some of her solutions were completely impractical and unvaible, they were solutions and, in theory, would work. I hadn't even gotten to that point. I couldn't come up with any solutions- not even ones that make no sense. And within 5 minutes mama had burshed that away. She look at things so differently- maybe because we are two very different people, or maybe just because she was looking in on the situations and not actually living them. But she made it a little better.

It felt nice after months of tension and tight, clenched muscles to see some sort of silver lining... some sort of end to this year of my un-humanistic living.

emmielyles@yahoo.com

Hotel Mirrors...

hotel mirrors, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another." *Elizabeth Cady Stanton

STress and the untangling of pressure... The past... hmmm... three months or so, ever since i have gone back to school, have been the largest groupings of stress and pressure to finish it all, or even just to do it all on time. Work, school, love, live, be truthful, be heartfelt, get my words out, but before that to even know what my words are. So I havent been writing much. I havent been drawing or painting or making much. I havent been doing much.
I've found that once I get stressed, once I reach that point where I just sit down with heavy eyes and say "it's too much. i cant figure it all out. i cant do it all. i cant be it all. i cant handle it all." It halts me. Stops me dead in my tracks and completely prevents me from forward movement. Like if I get off work at 9 knowing I have a paper to start and research for another paper to finish, rather than coming home and finishing by 11, or midnight, and going back out- I drive around. I get worked up and start to think about all the things that I don't have figured out yet- When exactly will I move this summer? When will I come back? Do I have enough money saved? CAn I afford the life that I want? Am I doing too much? Where will I live next semester? Should I transfer in the spring or the fall? Is Goucher really right? And then I am done for. I get so overwhelmed by the possibility of it all. I get so overcome by the idea that if I do one of these many many things that I am trying to do, then there will inevitably be another thing i wanted to do, but now cant because i am doing something else. (at least in terms of school, work, love, location, etc)
Yesterday though I had such a long talk with my amazing and beautiful mother. For hours I just kind of let most of it out... taking all my frustration and overwhelming feelings and presenting them to her. and she had at least one solution to each of them. while some of her solutions were completely impractical and unvaible, they were solutions and, in theory, would work. I hadn't even gotten to that point. I couldn't come up with any solutions- not even ones that make no sense. And within 5 minutes mama had burshed that away. She look at things so differently- maybe because we are two very different people, or maybe just because she was looking in on the situations and not actually living them. But she made it a little better.

It felt nice after months of tension and tight, clenched muscles to see some sort of silver lining... some sort of end to this year of my un-humanistic living.

emmielyles@yahoo.com

opa!!!

opa!!!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

looking for the light through the clouds on this rainy april afternoon.

and while i know it seems quite insignificant- i finally took my light fixtures down and replaced all my light bulbs- about 8 in all, 7 of which were burnt out! (considering i live in the basement with one tiny window, this matters!)

yahoo.

emmielyles@yahoo.com

california avocadoes...

california avocadoes, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

i just woke up.
3.5 minutes ago.
to a fixed toilet! (yay! mine has been broken since i moved down to the basement last JUNE!)
after a dream...


it was the kind of dream where you wake up and for a split second you think "wAiT!!! that DID happen! i did see him and we did say those things. uh oh- what do i do now?" and then that passes and it all really was a dream. (though its all a blur so its so hard to say)
I have such trouble with dreams. I remember when i was little i had a reoccuring dream where my hosue burnt down. i remember so vividly, i would dream of sirens and huge yellow and orange flames. and then after one night the dreams just stopped. i think this pattern repeats itself- because it started to happen again, having the same dreams with the same general premis.
but here is where the trouble begins... i am so drawn to my dreams, constantly analyzing and interpreting my dreams, looking up the smallest detail in my dream book and saying "oh i dreams of an orange! i must be pregnant, or still fertile!" and so many of my dreams have come true after the fact. i get extreme "deja vu" very often and most times it turns out that i had a dream almost exactly like what i am living.
BUT...
then there are those that say dreams are the unraveling of our subconscious. all of the secret desires, fears that we dont even know we have, manifest themselves in our head every night- a sort of escape. and i cant believe both things.
how can dreams simply be a manifestation of our subconscious when they have come true... how can they feel so realistic and true when they are only "a creation of my imagination"... and most importantly, why do i feel like i just spent the night with my ex... and why do i feel guilty...

i guess there are somethings we just cant wrap our answers around... but for now, the metaphysicality of my dreams is enticing. or maybe just because i moved my bed back to where it was, sleeping peacefully under my dreamcatcher wind chime.... who knows?


emmielyles@yahoo.com