Snowy weather

Snowy weather, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Most of the time
I'm clear focused all around,
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground,
I can follow the path, I can read the signs,
Stay right with it, when the road unwinds,
I can handle whatever I stumble upon,
I don't even notice she's gone,
Most of the time.

Most of the time
It's well understood,
Most of the time
I wouldn't change it if I could,
I can't make it all match up, I can hold my own,
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone,
I can survive, I can endure
And I don't even think about her
Most of the time.

Most of the time
My head is on straight,
Most of the time
I'm strong enough not to hate.
I don't build up illusion 'till it makes me sick,
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind.
Don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine
Most of the time.

Most of the time
She ain't even in my mind,
I wouldn't know her if I saw her
She's that far behind.
Most of the time
I can't even be sure
If she was ever with me
Or if I was with her.

Most of the time
I'm halfway content,
Most of the time
I know exactly where I went,
I don't cheat on myself, I don't run and hide,
Hide from the feelings, that are buried inside,
I don't compromised and I don't pretend,
I don't even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time.

*bob dylan* (and i have a great version by ani difranco thanks to sabrina!)

By the way...

I went to the ottobar downtown wednesday night to see the incredible Mark Kozelek play a solo acoustic set... I have never heard music so beautiful, never heard a voice that sounded more like an angel or brought so many tears...
His music is beautiful...

Pheelin lost...

greggy, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I've had this nagging feeling all week- this constant lack of feeling, a confusion and a cloudiness of where i am headed next- where do i place my foot down after this step? and i dont know... I dont know where I have managed to go wrong, or what in my life is good for me and what is bad- what do i need to maintain my sense of self and what do i need to drop for my own health. lots of serious thought about possible problems and footholes where i got caught and never managed to notice. it seems kind of like a few months ago, or maybe it was july- i made a couple of decisions that totally threw my life off course and im just now noticing that i've turned out to be a completely different person than i was this time six months ago.
i'm doubting too much- not trusting in my love, my passion, my life, my voice, my decisions. is this school right? right job? right love? right ambition? right state? right friends? (are there even any left who i dont have to drive forever to see?)
i need to find my center again, find my purpose. i need to fix my relationship- talk to him more- try to figure out what is going wrong that we just cant relate anymore, and why we havent spent the night together in a week. i need to make more art, and eat less. i need to write more, study more, abuse less. i need to talk to an old friend, sort things out. i need to find my roots and my path.

trying to drive home

trying to drive home, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

snowflakes cling to my eyelashes and my belly rumbles from too much food as i drive home from class past his house, just to make sure he's okay.

what a down week it has been. i just wish i knew why i feel so strange...

Unpakcing... Unloading...

unpacking, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

These feelings will never fade the way i am so scared that they will. I can run from them, ignore them, and deny them forever, but all I do is see his face and they flood over me. And the way he smiled when I walked into the pizza place. Seemingly, he will always be the one who got away. And in a sense I will always want him- just as a force in my life not necessarily as a lover or a confidant, just as a presence. He gave me too much of myself to just let him go in the breeze- and the way his eyes stared me down, he doesnt want me to let him go so fast... his actions are really the reactions against his fear.

He is not mine anymore.
I have someone else now.
Someone who is so perfect for me, and so seemingly amazing. But I just keep sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop... waiting for the second time he will make me cry and knowing that I can't take a repeat of my last "relationship"- i know if it happens again, if i cry again, i'm getting out my running shoes and leaving before i get in too deep. (but i think i love him...)

i'm looking for a new book to get completely involved in- if anyone has suggestions, please e-mail me! emmielyles@yahoo.com

california sky...

california sky, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

it's funny, all this thinking i've been doing. wondering where things are going and from where exactly i have come. I'm still sick and in bed, and drinking lots of tea... but my brian in on overdrive.
because there are papers to write and chapters to study and noses to blow and love letters to write. i have books to read and words to write. "i love you"s that need to be said and a relationship that needs tending. i have friendships to be fixed and mistakes to learn from.

and a bank account that is overdrawn by $103. Not including the $70 in overdraft fees that I now owe bank of america.

Another rainy day....

book pages, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

A gloomy, sad day today. Drizzles outside my window and germs inside the house. I'm down the flu today filled with worries of missed class and that quiz i have to make up.

But i'm sitting here with a wonderful Tori Amos dvd and a nice cup of ginger tea remembering the sweet text message he sent me this morning...

YAY!!

M and Jason, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

A huge wonderful lovely blessing to my dear friends meredith and jason who just got engaged. they are two of the most wonderful, blessed people I know- and an amazing couple!

:-)

Over the hump...

everythings gone green, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

A sudden clarity came. After weeks of being unable to create anything, and almost months of being unable to love anyone else. I feel very calm in what were, for a while, the two struggles in my heart.
Inspired by the wonderful Keri Smith, I have started doing a daily collage. Kind of like morning pages (from the artist's way) except with collages. I've been waking up early, well reasonably early by my standards (hey- 9:30 or 10 isnt too bad), and heading right into my little studio space to create. It has been a completely silly and fun time- I decided to try not to have attachment to them- to just build and build and spill and spill until I feel like they are done- or i will just stop and revisit the next day. I dont have to write insightful poetry on every page, so i feel less of a vulnerability and less pressure to have the words and letters flow just right... it has been amazing.
and my heart feels so open. i have let go of so much of the attachment to previous relationships and i have completely surrendered to the idea that what will happen will happen and I cant change that or the way people feel. and i am enjoying long cuddles into morning and silly games between two people who care about each other so much it hurts. :-)

Sometimes we have to learn to let go and let life bring what it will- in art, in love, in work.... at least thats how i feel.

I want...

My bed..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I want to unfold and expand within myself. I want to explore the dark and scary secret places hidden deep within. I want to be understood and heard, but more than that, I want to listen. I don't want to be anyone but myself- or need explanation or justification for that. I want to fall in love and not worry so much about past hurt or future pain. I want to learn when to quit, and when to just say goodbye no matter how much it hurts or scares me. I want to learn to stand up for myself.

A new book...

sunny day, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

It had been coming for weeks, I should have known it. First it was just the small things, like the binding starting to crack, and pages falling out, or being unable to close it... But I finally filled my most recent journal. And I can't start another one.
I get so attached to my journals- I carry them around with me, put everything in them. They truly go through my life with me like friends. So when I finish them, I get kinda sad- thinking that a stage in my life is over, which is generally the case at the end of books. But this last journal went through some of my biggest life issues with me. It's weird too because all of my phone numbers and pictures and quotes and everything are still in my old journal, so I when I need them, it's so frustrating to have to go get my old book.
So I have been putting off journaling, instead I've been knitting and reading some great books. I'm also working on a little something for my website... it should be a nice treat!
and i've started couting down the days until california comes.

Mean...

greg and 3010 018, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Thinking so much lately- with all the things going on at work, and in my life- why there seems to be such an monipresence of hatred and harshness. I'm wondering why it seems so necessary for people to be mean in order to "get by." I haven't really come up with an answer. Maybe it has something to do with making themselves feel better or above someone else- maybe they feel they are putting the other person in their place. it seems like such an unhealthy mindset though, continually putting other people down only to build yourself up. Or maybe the hatred is a product of boredom, or it comes out of a lack of anything better to do in your life. Maybe that desperation causes people to not think before they act or speak and just spit out words so harsh they can scorch you. But then at the same time, I look at my own problem- being too nice. I have always been so unable to stand up for myself, to tell people when i am hurt or bothered. I am so affraid of hurting someone's feelings or of being mean that i hold it all inside. And this is especially a problem at work when nothing changes unless you scream and yell. It seems that there are so many people who have gotten to a point in their lives where they really will never get out of the restaurant business and making less than $1000 a month, so they take it out by yelling and screaming and saying things you can't believe. So the rest of the people working are forced to yell simply to be heard at all. We are forced to not be ourselves- to fight and bitch simply to be acknowledged. It just doesn't seem right.

I guess i realyl genuinely, do not understand anger. Although I try.