ch ch changes...

brian, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I never want to be a slave to love.
I never want to need a guy.
I never want to depend as much on a guy as i depened on some people this summer.
I never want to feel as alone and completely full of feeling as I was yesterday.

I want long kisses and naps full of cuddles.
I want heavy tears that fall without reservation or withholding.
I want the guy who will put off his nap to make sure I'm okay (even though he hasn't slept in days).
I want confidence and truth and trust in love.


This summer is the summer of change.
Good? Bad?

Good, but hard.

driving, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"I've played the powerless in too many dark scenes
But I was blessed with a birth and a death and I guess I just want some say in between
Dont you understand?
In a day to day with a face to face
I have to act just as strong as I can
just to preserve a place where I can be who i am....."
*ani difranco*

Surprises...

LARD!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

While in San Francisco last week my good, sweet friend andrea took me to the most amazing store in the world. They offer really neat classes for kids- like "have your own blog" and "make your own 'zine" but because of zoning, they had to have retail also- so the whole front of the store is a pirate store. They have pirate hats, treasure, eye patches, all kinds of cool things.
Right near the register there was a big tub of lard- yeah, i said it, lard! I was intensely disgusted at first but then I read the list above it- "uses for lard." Phrases popped out at me, ideas and uses I couldnt have imagined.
And it made me think- sometimes we are so quick to look at situatons as really bad without considering all the funny things about it, funny things to take away from it.

Why take life so seriously? it's too short, and too easy to just laugh at it!

Wowzah!

the golden gate bridge, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

What a week!!

My papa and I sat in the amazing Cafe Gratitude Friday evening sipping watermelon juice and chai tea and out of nowhere I said, "Papa, I think I'm supposed to be here. I thrive here. I'm happier these past two days than I have been in the entire year since I have been here. I thrive in this place." I saw in his eyes how much it hurt him to hear my say that- his baby doesnt always want to live within walking distance of him- but he was so supportive. The whole trip whenever I would say things like that, he would reply, "then make it happen."
I kept wondering the whole trip if I was just feeling this because it was vacation- because whenever anyone goes on vacation they never want to leave. I wondered if this was just me wanting to get out of Bel Air, Maryland. I wondered if I was just running away from it all. And I still wonder that. How do you ever know that you belong in one place? And really, does anyone belong in any one place? The world is so big- how could you spend your whole life in one town?

I did realize that I am ready to leave, even if I am just running away from things here- from lost love, broken friendships, memories of sickness, ordinary life- I just dont know how much longer I can stay here and keep making the same mistakes over and over. (and then I think- why should location have anything to do with my mistakes?)

WOW. My mind is running all around.

More to come when I get my *new* computer.

Where we were, Where we are...

doorway, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I leave pieces behind me, a trail I hoped could help me find my way to return to us.
But now that I've tried going and finding my way back to where we were
I realize that it was no use
I realize that I can't go back
(no matter how hard i try).

I think one of the things in this world I juse cant understand is how you can go from caring so much about someone, spending so much time with someone and then just stop seeing them. How can you go from calling and loving every day, to not speaking in weeks?

It's a funny little thing I guess,
this crazy ol' world.

Life at its peak...

Tony, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I am eighteen.
In speaking to anyone older than eighteen, it seems like they always say "Oh to be eighteen again" or, "I remember being eighteen, I was so beautiful, I could get away with anything."
And I think- not me so much.

Lately, I feel awkward and lumpy. I feel stuck and unwanted. I feel like I'm wandering from place to place unaware of my surroundings.

*********************************
But then there are things that make me happier than I could have ever imagined.
Van Morrison's acoustic music.
A friendship with beautiful ladies like Aria, Meredith, and Val.
Cake and soy vanilla ice cream.

Every being...

Tattooed Mom, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

So this is it... My tattoo. And my perky eighteen year old ass. :-) It says, "Every being is the author of his own health or disease". It is a quote by the Buddha. I was also going to get a girl tattooed with it, drawn by the beautiful Sabrina Ward Harrison, but I ran out of money- maybe in a few months I'll go back!

I feel so stuck lately, and I know it seems like this is all I have written about, but it is consuming me. I'm not depressed, I'm not crazy.. I've just been slowly losing touch with myself, or maybe I'm getting more in touch with myself. Either way, it is a change from where I usually stand. My life has consisted of work and hanging out with a few friends.
It seems like almost everyone I know and love has gone somewhere. Gone to Europe, spread out across the country, and even at home, they are all doing something and making something of their time. And I feel like I'm just killing time waiting for something to happen to me, waiting for love to make itself known, waiting for life to begin, waiting to find who I am...

I wonder how I end this waiting and just make things happen.