The truth?

Sparklers, originally uploaded by romanlily.

So to begin-- I definitely did not take this photo- nor do i know the person who took it... I found it on flikr.com and loved it, so here it is!

YEsterday was my EighTeeNth BirThDaY. I celebrated it well- got a tattoo (which i will post a picture of as soon as i can), went to a porn shop, went out to dinner with an amazing woman, saw one of my best friends... It was A teRRiFiC birthDaY.

Today however, I feel like such a child. I feel younger and more immature that I have EvEr fElt. I feel like I have been born again and have to ReLearn everything; how to LoVe, how to LeArN, how to Be... it all feels way too new.
I am questioning everything- but not in the good way. I am questioning things in a way that hurts ME, that makes me feel DouBtfuL of my deciSionS.
And also, I am realizing so strongly that the way I respond to things, the way I cope with things and handle them, has changed drastically over the past month or so... But deep down inside, I am still the same scared little girl screaming for attention- the little girl who just wants to be loved.
( aren't boys so tough sometimes? )
For The paSt few weeks, The one thing I could be sure of was that he cared. It was kind of the onLy ConStanT in my life. And then he StoPpEd caLLing and this HUge DistAnce has grown BetweEn us, a hoLe I fear I might trip into and fall tHousandS of feet untiL I hit the bottom HaRd and Have to CrAwL back up with BruiSes and SCraPes... And I feeL liKe such A chiLd becaUse I don't know iF i ShouLd taLk to hiM abouT it.

I just have So MuCh GroWinG leFt tO Do...

Stuck in muck...

Soon it's gonna rain.., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I've felt rather stuck lately.

Out of my skin.
Awkward.
Without words.

I can't find who I am and I feel lik I'm just going through the motions trying to kill time.

Love has been such an issue too- waiting for a boy that I am unsure about, waiting for a boy I am still in love with.

I turn 18 on wednesday and I keep wondering how I got to this point.

The Waiting Place...

Reflection, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"...for people just waiting.
waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."
-Dr. sEuSs

Sometimes I feel like the moments that move the slowest, the moments that I feel are wasted and unncessary are these moments I spend waiting....

The Art of Becoming Yourself

My new best friends!!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

There are no words to explain what this weekend did for me. I feel so in touch with myself, so confident and comfortable. I met so many amazing women and had such great memories. Surprises were around every corner and I don't hesitate a moment in saying every woman should go to one of Sabrina Ward Harrison's workshops.

Thank you, Sabrina! And thank you to all these amazing people who joined us on our journey into ourselves!

Adventure...

Sabrina, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I'm off for a lovely weekend with the beautiful and amazing Sabrina!

I am looking forward to this trip, but I have to admit a piece of me just wants to stay home and my reason is comforting-
I have everything I want right here right now. I don't need to go seeking happiness because it is sitting here in the palm of my hand.

it's funny how life works out sometimes.

i'll report back on monday!

Happiness...

Chinatown in San Fran, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Life lately has been spent in moments of loving and enjoying each moment for what it is worth. And I have found such an abundance of worth in every moment.

Waiting for a boy to call, swimming in a river to the sound of mid-day thunder, making a going away present for a best friend, seeing a late nite movie with the best gal in the world, and feeling so much joy and excitement in my heart that I wonder if I am going to burst.



I have felt so much love in my life recently- through friendships and through so much more.
This story brings me to tears.

You'll have to excuse the red...

Rainbow, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Moments of beauty
masked, hidden deep within
moments of darkness.

Do you think it's possible for someone to not know how to be happy?

My life is so good and I am so happy, it's almost like I don't know how to react to this... So I'm just going with the flow that every day brings.

Alie, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"Well you know...
Art is why I get up in the morning,
but my definition ends there
It doesn't seem fair that I'm
living for something I can't even define
and there you are, right there, in the mean time.."
*ani difranco*

OUCH!

sun burn face, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

The result of a long nap at the edge of the pool...

And hours of knitting while the kids splashed my feet...


SUNBURN!

(the funny thing about my sunburn is that it is only on my front because i layed on my back all day- the back of me is still pale!)

Seeing clearly...

Abode, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

It seems things come to you
when you just begin to let go...

People only call
when you stop looking at the phone
in anticipation...

Lovers want you back
once you can't take them anymore...

And idols become ordinary people
when you realize your own wealth...

Life is amazing....

You're beautiful...

Kati!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I finally know how to do photo blogging using FLICKR!!!

And to celebrate here is a shot of my wonderful, spirited, beautiful sister, KATI!!!

PEACE!

At the end...

Letting go of love... of a lover.
Cutting the strings on years of
control
and lust
and pure, raw, passion and rage.

Such a dramatic time we had together, but every moment of it was worth it. My best friend and for a long time, the one person I could be fully myself around. And I let go, three days ago, by simply saying I didn't want "us" when he comes home. Such a simple way of cutting loose, but already I can feel I am not the same.
I had pictured the end to be loud and wild, like waves crashing on the beach during a storm catching you and making you terrified that you'll drown...
(but you still wonder:
Would drowning be
that
bad?)
But this is the end. It was soft spoken and simple.

I am forever confused and surprised by love and what happens at the end- and the beginning
and the middle.

I sit here and I wonder:
where will I go now?
who am I without him to love?
how will I pick up the pieces left
inside my heart (for a new boy?)?

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"I don't know if I will ever understand this ache. Perhaps it is simply + completely love and what happens at the end...." *Sabrina Ward Harrison*

(Only 12 more days until I see her in Maine and assist in her beauty)

Just an ordinary day...

What a wonderfully beautifully ordinary day. A wonderful stroll around Fells Point into vintage stores and french cafes and coffee shops with a beautiful woman! I feel so blessed for the women in my life who are consummately there for me during my time of ambivalence.

There has been a lot of changing and growing in my "group" of friends. We all seem to be growing in difference directions and its hard to see how we still fit together. Most of us have very little in common except for the fact that we genuinely care about each other. It's hard to know when to let go, or when you grasp onto a friendship for dear life!!!!

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And isn't it just so much fun and frustration that goes into moving? I moved down here a few weeks ago and already I need to go back and reorganize things, redecorated and enjoy things some more... And always going upstairs to make more apple blueberry cobbler!!

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Did you know that my mix cds consist of: ani difranco, jay z, joni mitchell, radiohead, rosie thomas, dispatch, lil kim, and avril lavigne?
Something most people don't know- I have a sad little taste for rap music (eek! I know!!!) but its just so fun to drive down the street with it and sing along- you get such great looks!!!



Just a bunch of tidbits for your 4th of July weekend!!