certain times

manaqin head, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

there are certain moments... times when i stop.
when i am at work and it hits me and i get sick. i run to the bathroom, angrily having to pay people too much money to clean for me just so i can go home and be ill in the privacy of my own home without strangers walking in every minute.
there are moments when i stop, i look myself straight in the mirror and i think: "i dont want this disease anymore. i'm tired of crohn's"

as simple as that- i dont want to be sick anymore.

but how was your night?


emmielyles@yahoo.com

gratitude

backpacking through philly, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

today, at this very moment in time- what are you grateful for?


e-mail me your responses...
emmielyles@yahoo.com

a few of mine are:
*gerber daisies, big and bright
*waking up to open windows and cool spring wind blowing through the curtains
*the ability to have the problems i do (there are worse things out there.... if this is all i have to deal with, i am so blessed.)
*the oportunity for this summer, to move, to work with amazing folks
*driving to the brook beore class
*my new polaroid camera
*the weather forcast (although i saw something completely different than greg so i hope its not wrong!)

Emmie and Brian, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"she dont like cigarettes when it rains,
she dont like late nights all alone
or when the dog break from the chain.
she got a back door to her soul,
ducked along the alleyways she makes me wait
i dont wanna say goodbye that way."
-habit.

Emmie and Brian, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"she dont like cigarettes when it rains,
she dont like late nights all alone
or when the dog break from the chain.
she got a back door to her soul,
ducked along the alleyways she makes me wait
i dont wanna say goodbye that way."
-habit.

march 05 philly, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

she cried when she should
and she laughed when she could....
*damien rice*

we're baaaaack...

em laurel brook sun, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Finally my website it back up, with a new web address- you can find it at....


http://www.girlofyourdreams.biz


hopefully i will be able to completely revamp it before I move across the country in may!

Ive been here before...

driving to a friends, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I woke up this morning to sore legs, tight back, and ovaries that i thought had a time bomb in them--- in 3.... 2.... 1.... BOOOM!

so I took some tylenol, worried too much about having to work tonight (should i try and get my shift covered or have balls and work it through? "but it hurts soooo badly" my inner voice told me after hours on the bathroom floor.
and then i went upstairs in the dim light of dawn. i thought about how i could have seen the sun rise if there were a sun in existance today. i ran a hot bath and listened to the sound of the rain falling hard on the roof. (i miss having a room with windows on the top floor for this reason)

it's not winter anymore. the snow is gone and the rain has come. but i sit back and wonder how it can still feel so bitter outside...

then again, it is only march 23.

where ive been...

hmmm...
why havent i been writing much lately? where have i been?

*deep sigh*
i dont know.
ive been out wandering waiting for summer to arrive and waiting for love to define itself. and then there have been addictions to help and friends whose lives need help, so i've been playing mother earth- taking too many people into my arms and not really being able to help any of them.
it seems like such a difficult thing trying to create that balance and learning how to take on more than one thing at a time and still manage to come through on everything. i wonder how anyone can do it! some moments i stop and i want to scream <>.

But life is so nice lately. I welcomed in spring this morning (though still rather chilly) at the river with flowers. I got an amazing night's sleep. I've been buzzing around a lot planing for this summer- so many exciting things waiting in San Francisco!! And reading the wonderful e-mails everyone has been sending! ThAnK yOu!! youR support means so much!!

*************************************

"The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude."
*Friedrich Nietzsche*

Do you remember?

etown drive, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Do you remember the feeling of warmth on your face? The feeling of the sun beating down through the sunroof as you drive along those windy country roads in your little country town trying to get to the river. Do you remenber the way he looked at you? It was the feeling of summer love (I have yet to find a better kind of love...). Do you remember the happiness? Finally, there was somewhat of a plan, and you had some kind of direction in your life. Do you remember it? It was the best time in your life, when the questions had more answers, and even if they didnt, it didnt matter.

i wonder where that clarity from last summer has gone. For once in my life, I felt like I had some of it figured out. Some of it. And then things changed, I changed, my life changed, my goals changed, my plans changed, and my entire future turned into a huge blurr... where do i go next? I think of teaching, of nursing, theatre, art, writing... but what do i really want to do in my life? it's so hard to say. I've seen so many people in the past year, so many of my best friends who gave up their lives and have to struggle to get by each day- i want a career where i wont have to struggle.

i'm really just rambling...

Most of us plateau
when we lose the tension
between where we are
and where we ought to be.

- John Gardiner

Comments...

Mirror shot, biatch, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

A lot of people have expressed their comment-ular concerns to me. I'm sorry my I really can't allow comments at this time. I'm trying to work on myself and fix a lot of problem areas, but it gets so overwhleming when every day that you open your mailbox there could be an anonymous (i cant spell, is that right?) comment full of criticism. While I can accept the criticism, I cant take the anonymousness (i looked it up and this one actually IS a word!).
So I'm going to start posting my e-mail address at the bottom of each post, any comments can be sent there!

thank you so much for your support of my blog!!

emmielyles@yahoo.com

Car Shot...

car shot, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Weeks (months maybe?) go by and still i can't find any words. i'm begining to wonder if they even exist. I feel like all the "BiG" things in my life are so indescribable- and it all feels so heavy. I keep reminding myself that we are all "indelibly connected", we are all so similar so I should be able to voice my feelings and my experiences to pass on the thought- deep inside we are all the same.
it has become too easy for my to forget these things.
my amazing accupuncturistKim told me a few weeks ago- we cant live in the past or the future, it wears us down. we must focus all of our energy and focus it in the present moment. I think thats so important to remember in life! and so true- I spend so much time wishing it were last summer, or hoping for this summer (and san francisco) that each moment now seems to be lost. I have no energy left to watch the leaves change and see the way a heart can grow.

"There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go." *Tennessee Williams"

I found this....

who took this picture?, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I found this picture on my computer, and i dont remember taking it. and I can't figure out where it is. It feels familiar though. Anyone recognize it?

I took a big step tonight and let go of a lot. It feels refreshing. I had a nice chat with him and it feels within reach- I feel, for the first time in months, like things could end up the way i wanted.

i'm disappointed to have to cancel my trip to pittsburgh this weekend to see my favorite person ever (samm).

"The more severe the pain or illness, the more severe will be the necessary changes. These may involve breaking bad habits, or acquiring some new and better ones." *Peter McWilliams*

Will it ever end?

rearview mirror, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Reading Jeff Pitcher's journal today my heart lept, feeling a soul somehow in agreeance with me...
"I do not water the flowers or the trees, for they are still hidden beneath snow, or bare. Black skeletons on the white land. It is this winter, this oppressive lack of sun, this world of grey and black and white, this world bereft of blue, that keeps me from wishing to write here. I am amazed by the lack of drive that comes with the lack of sun for me. I suppose I would just sit on some couch drinking red wine if I lived in Portland, Oregon. Perhaps that is a good idea. "


and refering back to jen gray's journal last year...
"
i love the heat.
i love sweaty, humid, brilliantly sunny days.
i love going barefoot, digging in the garden, and sleeping with the windows wide open.

this would explain why winter and i don't get along so well...
i literally count the days until spring. "


i send you warm spring wishes and dreams of summer sun and beach adventures, of frisbee with a new love on the shores of the gunpowder, and of car rides with windows down and wind blowing all over... :-)


it will be here soon.
i just keep telling myself that.

a snowy snow day

a snowy snow day, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

yesterday was beautiful--- 60s and sunny. the whole day actually felt kind of magical- everyone in a good mood. it felt like the stars were aligning to make a path for some crucial conversation that never happened.
mid terms come on faster than i thought and i may have to cancel my california trip at the end of march due to lack of somewhere to stay. alas, i will be there all summer, so i dont mind sacrificing one weekend.

but does any of this really matter?
i watched i heart huckabees and tried to follow all the existential (i cant spell that word!) mumbles but it just made me confused.
much like philosophy class.

i guess i wasnt born to be a great mind.
(but the thing that makes me mad is that i could be if i put any effort and time into anything!)


just a few rambles for your day...
i'm off to wander the roads.

peace.

Some Days...

moon over bernadette, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Some days I feel that shake under my feet and cant see clearly in front of me.
some days i lose the keys and somehow make it to class.
some days i cant bring myself to write another word.
but i keep waking up and keep on keepin on.

i think thats all we realy need to understand- that life moves on, keeps going despite us. time will heal, and if it doesnt, it will bring change and im finding that the change can make it hurt a little less.

Some Days...

moon over bernadette, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Some days I feel that shake under my feet and cant see clearly in front of me.
some days i lose the keys and somehow make it to class.
some days i cant bring myself to write another word.
but i keep waking up and keep on keepin on.

i think thats all we realy need to understand- that life moves on, keeps going despite us. time will heal, and if it doesnt, it will bring change and im finding that the change can make it hurt a little less.

Another angle...

rear view, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I appologize ahead of time for this- if it is no more than my whining, i'm sorry.
Lately I've felt out of myself. I haven't felt like i've been living- more like someone else living in my body and i'm just looking on. I can't bring myself to do things- havent been to school in a week, only worked a few times. But I feel so sick. I feel like i've lost that understanding of my limits dicipline (i really cant spell that word...). I feel like that Dave Mathews song "I drink too much, I eat too much, I want too much...." I wake up in the morning and get into my car with all intentions of going to class, but somehow I always seem to veer away from campus to do menial errands- post office, bank, pay check, hair dye... and i never quite end up accomplishing anything yet i fall asleep at 10 and wake up again at 8 the next day. this isnt me. i really dont understand what is going on inside of me. Like Sabrina wrote-- I feel like swiss cheese, what goes in the holes?
I can't see where to put my foot down next...
(college just feels so wrong right now.)
[i wish i could have finished my year off.]
***************************************

"Each day, and the living of it, has to be a conscious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and pure foolishness."
*May Sarton*