Fishes with Andrea

Fishes with Andrea, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

i am thankful for so many things, too many it seems to even comprehend. i am thankful for this overflowing unconditonal love cultivating in my heart, the best feeling in the world. i am thankful for warm kisses and smiles, for health and 10 months without a doctor. i am thankful for my friends, for my support system, and my "fioncee" karen waren. ;-) i am thankful for the moments that were perfect simply because of chance.
i am thankful for the fishes i watched with andrea and the paint i spilled with sabrina. for the hours i worked with eder, drew, edwin, and jared. i am so thankful for this time, this space, this mindset.

:-)

happy tofurkey day!

Everyone...

Papa rejoyces, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I realized something earlier this week- the effects of loving someone so hard, so purely and honestly. I realized that my everyday mundane activities turn on a new meaning because i am in love with him. i realized that the thought of him in pain or unhappy makes me cry because i love him.

i try to remember at work with every coustomer that " everyone is loved and needed the way that you love and need him. be careful with them. " and as stupid and pointless as it sounds, it works. i must treat everyone i encounter the way i would want people to treat him.

I am...

A sweet lil store coming soon to Oakland, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I am, I am, I am... What am I? it seems easier to say what I'm not. I'm not a prefect girlfriend, and I'm not a bitch. But I don't always have the right words to say to you. I am a girl trying to be a woman, trying to grow wings and let go of my training wheels. I am a waitress, a starving seeking artist. I am someone who cares so deeply for everyone in my life, sometimes especially those who don't deserve the love. I am hurt and broken but trying to enter the world again with open arms and a big heart. i am a woman who loves women, but I melt when I see the way his bones make him a man. i have trouble remembering, but i never really forget. i hold on to love as long as i can even when the pain is unbearable. and sometimes i need the pain to feel alive. i am a girl who needs attention and cant understand why thats so hard.

Rememory...

my beautiful roomie, karen!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

My posts lately have been, I will openly admit, sparse and completely impossible to understand and follow- I
m Sorry!! It seems that I cant wrap my hands around everything thats been happeneing in my life lately. i remind myself over and over again that this is life- the "ebb and flow", the release and retain. i catch myself in these random moments not really existing in my own life- just going along with the motions. i was visiting my great aunt mal in the hospital last week and i realized that i couldnt remember the last time i just took a look at the world moving around me. i stopped and cried walking inside soaking in all the details in an effort to remember this moment. although im not proud of it, ill be the first to admit my memory can barely compare to a goldfish... however, when i went to the river to skip stones- the same place i went every day this summer with "him"- and again, i stopped sat down and cried. all of these memories came back, things he said, things we did- and i couldnt handle it- these were the best moments of my life so far and i remember so get of them. part of me feels like if if i could remember more maybe the clarity and closure would come more easily or maybe he would love me again. i want to be more aware of every moment because i feel like maybe things would feel richer, or as stupid as it sounds, more honest.
Everything seems so muffled and cloudy from lack of memory that i dont know what happened- whats a dream and whats reality? did i really go to his house last night? did he really *hide* in his car so he wouldnt have to see me? was i really dreaming of reciprocated love or did he actually say those words? i know it's extreme but it is still the strangest feeling.

so here i am rambling on while i should be figuring out what to do with the rest of my "year off."

I leave you with these...
www.buffalofieldcampaign.org - my most probable plan of action for next semester

"this is life" my kathy mccarty - an amazing song!!

home

my new home!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

home, where i rest my bones and lay my weary eyes is here... the wonderful apartment filled with feminine love and support. i have learned so much in the short time since all of this mess began. i feel i have grown so much, yet taken 6 steps back in other respects. i have more questions and fewer answers, but the questions that matter are of a smaller number. my focus is narrowing which is kind of scary-- my mind only able to concentrate on one person, and one fact that he hasnt called yet. but i have hope, and i think thats the most important- that most of the time i look up and i think, i know deep inside "this will all pass and things will work out." (however, there are those numerous moments when i truly believe that this will not pass, that i will love him forever and have to chase him for the rest of my life because i cant- I JUST CANT move on.)

a short, quick post from sick lil ol me.

as soon as this sickness passes i have posts and pictures to share!

i hate doing this but...

this is the coolest thing ever... if you click this link, saying i refered you- and you get a free ipod. you just refer 5 friends, and fill out an offer, i chose the credit card one, so i can just cut it up. FREE iPOD!!!

go to it, hurry up!!

http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=11796350

Male species...

I have been having this random, strange fascination with the male species lately... It might have something to do with my rebellious feelings toward the book i am currently reading (manifesta by jennifer baumgardner) but i am absolutely in love with guys... Their strength and ability to hold you so softly in their hands, to make you melt... They amaze me.

Check out iron and wine. they are awesome.

To do list...

I need to take more pictures, and put them on the computer.
I need to make those pants, and purses, and finish working on my glass projects.
I need to take pictures of the alphabet in nature, without using signs- for class.
I need to stop and remember that I have the most amazing roommates.
I need to interview for a new job tomorrow.
I need to then decide what to do about my <> job.
I need to finish Karen's book, and finish my own.
I need to write in my journal more and use more watercolor.
I need to call Meredith and plan for next weekend.
I need to save money and stop spending and buying and shopping, what a consumer whore i have turned into.

YOU need to read "if you're afraid of the dark remember the night rainbow" by cooper edens.

The ability to mend...

the suffering goes on
in ways i didnt know were possible...
as my lungs expand and contract
in spazmic rhythms
and the tears plumit down my face
over her gentle fingers
as she whispers the answers-
though i fear i 'm too blind
to face them.

and my heart learns to break
all over again
because each love is different
and i know i wll never find
this exact one again.
and that terror reigns in my mind
fear fear fear---
will i learn anything from this?
or am i doomed
to repeat these mistakes
finding heartache after heartache
and feeling so guilty.

my soul trembles
along with my hands-
i learn the feeling of release
and surrender-
because what else can we do?

it hurts so bad...
there is no visible end
to the suffering
or the love---

but really does love ever go away
completely?

and suffering only subsides
for moments at a time,
it seems.

Vote, damnit!!

Moooore Me, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Everyone make sure to go out and vote today--- as they say, "vote as though your life depends on it" BECAUSE IT DOES!!!

and a nice little quote for you, a little inappropriate, but I liked it.

"fighting for peace is like f*#@ing for virginity"


:-)

we can defeat bush!!

You're allowed...

Reflection, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

im too tired to face it
youre too weak to care
youll haunt me regardless
and its just not even fair...

and im not going anywhere
but youre too weak to care

someone cant believe it
someones heart cant mend
could you say that last line over
can we still be friends?

i would be your butterfly
you can pin my wings
spread my arms wide open for you
id do anything

you just think its funny
its the second time
just leave me like you found me baby
cause i will be just fine

*stephanie dosen*

it's weird, that feeling you get when your feelings are somehow validated... it feels so helpful, yet you still feel so strange.

Liz: youre allowed to be sad
Liz: youre allowed to be absolutely miserable