:-)

Dan Bern for President. :-)

meredith, my sunshine

meredith, my sunshine, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

meredith is my magical fairy godmother. :-) she is an absolute treasure!

nose picking...

California August 04 002, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

i thought this was really cute, and i never really do these "surveys" but i thought this was so silly and just a fun little get to know me game! id be interested to see what youre answers are too!

Directions:

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold/underline the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold/underline is false.
4. Add one about yourself at the end.

01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a 3-some
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin.
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I can suck the chromes off a trailer hitch.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I own a 90's pop CD
26. I need money right now!
27. I love sushi!
28. I talk really, really fast sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look sometimes
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I have brown eyes
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized :-) just for fun!
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single.
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my online journal
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm complete embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone (even if i dont answer it)
63. I beleive in God (a few days a year)
64. I watch MTV/Vh1 on a daily basis.
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real romantic relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest Friday movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes.
81. I am online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the South Park movie.
86. I have avoided assignments at work/school
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees"
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I want to beat britney spears with a rock for over an hour
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex.
99. I'm happy as of this moment
100. I was born in the 80s but I am truly a child of the 90s
101. I haven't showered in two days. . . and I like it.
102. I'd rather be in Germany than anywhere else.
103. Im obsessed with getting manicures/pedicures
104. I want to visit Italy either for the first time or again...
105. I'm one of those types that is easily amused
106. I have cried in the last week.
107. I have flirted with someone I didn't like just to get something
108. I like at least three British Comedy TV Shows
109. I've lived in one place for more than 10 years
110. I have overslept and missed my classes
111. I've been on TV
112. I listen to music no matter what I am doing
113. I yell at the tv when I watch sports
114. I miss being homeless
115. I am obsessed with WB dramas
116. I was in a situation where I almost died.
117. I think that Burger King has the best burgers
118. I still love my ex.
119. I voted.
120. I'm really shy around the same sex sometimes.
121. I am gay and very much proud of who I am.
122. I'm pretty bored right now
123. I've been very empathic to others
124. I don't think I did the right thing last night
125. I'm sick right now

126. I really don't like these things.

Snowed in...

greg in the snow, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Snowed in for the weekend. School starts tomorrow, so we spent the past day and a half watching family guy, reservoir dogs, and dazed and confused. we took a wonderful walk/hike in the snow. and perfected the gentle art of cuddling. :-)

Anger management...

snow 005, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

My life's mantra, the truth of my emotion my entire life until recently has been "I dont get angry. I get hurt." No matter what people did to me, no matter how horrible and "evil" I would never get angry at them. I would never hate. I didn't understand that emotion. It seemed pointless and like a waste of energy. Instead, I would get hurt. I would get set off by a small thing and whirl into depression over the "betrayal" that i always seemed to feel. I found solace in songs like "i am not smooth and i am not soft, and im not angry or mean..." or "i'm not angry, maybe you just dont understand, and if im crazy well i can deal with that..." Songs like these (although i didnt hear the second one until a month or so ago) comforted me through the rough spots in my life, mainly in the past four or five months.
And then something shifted.
I dated a seemingly amazing guy this past summer. I completely fell in love with him the moment I saw him, and thats the truth. I was coming out of an interesting "relationship" and this guy treated me so much better than anyone ever had- leaving messages before i left for a workshop and calling every day... little things. And then something shifted. He stopped calling. Why? His friends judged me, felt threatened by me, or just didnt like me. I guess it finally overtook him. But I found myself at his house (he lives with a friend of mine) in early september and things were amazing with him. And then he stopped calling again. And I still dont know why. But because of previous actions, I was put in a situation that i had to dig myself out of. a situation he knew about, but did nothing to help or support me. He had to have known how much I was suffering, but still he didnt call. And when I called him, I was ignored or hung up on. I was left to sit back and wonder where all of this hatred came from. Where did he dig down to find things worth hating me over? But still, the only emotion I felt was hurt. Love, and hurt.
I saw him about a week ago and he acted completely normal, like all these things had never happened. I needed something back from him so he got my number again and promised to call. And then it overtook me. I felt like my skin had been peeled off and all my nerves were exposed to the freezing cold air in that little take out place. I had found anger. And he didnt call and it happened again. Like a damn being let up, the water rushes through and anger rises at the most unexpected times, moving me to tears, heavy sobbing tears.
I dont hate him.
I am thankful for him teaching me new emotions...
I must allow myself this anger and not push it away. I must treasure it.

Justification...

snow 008, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I wrote something a few weeks ago that began with "I don't want to be what everyone expects..." and later went into "i dont want to feel like i have to justify myself, but i dont want to be so easily understood. i dont want to be transparent."
And this seems to be one of my big goals- to stop justifying and explaining myself, stop getting defnsive and feeling attacked and just let it pass. if my actions are judged i must remember that, if they are indeed true actions or descisions i have made, I did them, I made those decisions. In doing so, I also have to remember when making decisions to be more careful and think "is this really something that is true to me- to my being, my soul, and my purpose and path?" most of the time the answer is yes, but there are those certain instances when i have to step away from myself and say "what was i thinking????"
I think a lot of the problems I have had with being judged have stemed from my not being able to admit my hypocricies. so here i go, taking a leap and listing just a few...
*i am very health conscious- vegan and organic foods as well as many other natural remedies rather than chemicals... but in my past i have smoked, gone taning, and drank- all unnecessary chemicals entering the body and leaving nothing but destruction.
*i always expect the honest truth from others, no withholding... but i have trouble figuring out how to fit in those things that are hard (but necessary) to say.
*i believe strongly in self-love and the importance of loving yourself before loving others... but all i ever want is to be loved by someone else.


i am acknowledging my downfalls and trying for self-imporvement. i can see the steps in front of me... im on the right path.
***********************************

this is an amazing delight!

Light rays through my window at midnight...

I am hooked on festival express- A very intriguing look at a very influential time.
My ears cant get enough of Melissa Ferrick.
My lips are craving VTea.
Excited to live here and here.

A break in the rush...

snow 009, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Time slows down and I find myself in bed the past few days. I need a rest. I need a break. Unfortunately, I have found that even in a world without cell phones or visits, the break usually doesnt come unless you go thousands of miles away. I feel like one can never really be alone in this town- if not with another person, the ghosts of the past haunt me here and bring thoughts into my head and tears to my face.
I'm holding back.
I want to write things, but the fear takes over. That little girl inside of me who just wants to please everyone and have no animocity in her life stops me from saying what i really feel.
To sit down and pin point the things in your life bringing hatred in, and to realize that these are the exact things you feel you couldn't live without... The people you couldnt live without. I wonder where you begin in letting go. When can I just say "I have gone as far as I can with you, I have done all I can for you, but I have to go in order to grow..."?
I'm still learning the art of letting go. It's hard, and at times seems impossible. How do you take a person who has been so strongly a part of your life and just let them go completely? How do you handle that ajustment from a strong, active relationship to not even having them as a part of your life anymore? (this i have found is especially hard when there is love inolved, or big life experiences shared between you)

It all seems to be too much lately and I am finding how hard it is for me to stand up for myself.
The words just wont come when I try.

Runaway...

snow 001, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

My good friend Kerem woke up a few days ago to a wonderful pouding on the fire escape door made by a representative of the INS. Originally from Turkey- he was going to school, but things fell through, so he has been just lounging around the past few months unable to get a job because he isnt a citizen and basically just keeping me company. I was thinking about all of this today, about driving him down to get his ankle bracelet checked out and about what would happen if he was deported. I was also thinking about my fall and work and the trouble that worker's comp has been giving me- all the representatives who ask me questions that only insinuate that i fell on purpose and that i'm faking an injury. And I wondered- why would anyone want to stay in a coutry like this? A country run by big corporations and managers whose job it is to look after their employees, but all they really do is get every penny they can for the corporation. Why would you want to stay here knowing that the government seems to do everything they can to make sure the middle class workers dont get too much money, but assure the rich folks big tax cuts?
I understand that life here is paradise compared to life in some other countries, but it seems like there is a different kind of suffering here, a mental manipulation of truth. (how can people be so cruel and say such horrible things when they claim their job is to "take care of me"?) and i wonder does this happen all over the world or is it just america's obsession with money and power?
a stupid question i know, because it seems to be the general human mantra "MONEY AND POWER, MONEY AND POWER"

please keep kerem in your thoughts, and hope that this all ends well for him. he is such a good person.

Elder's speak

the wonderful house, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Wisdom of the Elders

"There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift, that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly.

Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore,
push of into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.
And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.

At this time in our history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all, ourselves.
For the moment that we do, tour spiritual growth and journey comes to halt.

The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word 'struggle' from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

WE ARE THE ONES WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR"

(Orabi, Arizona, Hopi Nation, January 2000)

the last thing...

christian and ryan :-), originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

the last thing i want is to lose you... but i dont want to hold you back.

and it hurts so much sometimes to look in someone eyes and know that this is so impermanent. that i will be leaving in a few months and he will stay here. i wonder how much you can go through with a person before you simply cant live without them... and i wonder if i am reaching that point again. it seems that every minute with him is enough, and that i have to remember all of it so that when i leave, i will still have the memories...

but life is so good, and i feel i cant complain because although the past few months have been so insane, i am finding closure and clarity. i am finding guts and deep inside i am realizing i am worth standing up for, and learning how to stand up for myself.
i am justified.
i have worthwhile things to say.
i should be heard and not stiffled.

Swinging...

tony swinging, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

A very emotional, disappointing few days in some respets. I spent most of tuesday, wednesday, and thursday feeling very depressed and just muted. i felt stifled and "shut up". I felt abandoned and unwanted. It's a shame what ex's can do to your feelings of self-worth.
driving in the car thursday morning though, after dropping my very ill mother off for some tests, i was overwhelmed with sadness. i was stopped at a very busy traffic light playing Melissa Ferrick's song "Then So It Is" and singing at the top of my lungs. I had forgotten that the windows were open, and the guy in the car next to me just turned over and smiled an incredible HUGE smile. We both immediately started laughing.

Sometimes we need moments like those in our lives to remind us not to take anything too seriously.

did i mention...

oh boy..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

how much i adore adult swim?

i rarely watch tv....

but....

i....
cant....
take.....
my.....
eyes...
off....
of....
cartoons!

i leave you with this...

and more carin..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

jokes. found in a bottom drawer. karen gave them to me a few months ago, and maybe i am a dork, but i think they are really funny. maybe because they are so true. and maybe because i squatted on her couch for so long. :-)

how can you tell a hippie has been at your house?
he's still there.

how do you hide $ from a hippie?
put it under the soap.

what do you call a hippie chick without a boyfriend?
sober.

what do you call a hippie chick looking for a boyfriend?
pregnant.

how do you keep a hippie in suspense?

living life...

this is life.
this life is enough.
i am enough.
i don't need to prove my life, my work, my love to anyone. not even myself.
i don't need all these extra things to be happy.




at least that's what i keep telling myself on days like this. where i can see so clearly the life i need to live... but i cant quite figure out how to get there. and it's dark and grey outside and rain keeps falling. when even love can't turn me around.

this is enough.
simply being and living.

for you

the hills of vermont, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

i’m still learning…

i don’t know how
to fill the silence when
you’re gone.

so I light a cigarette
and fall in love
a little more.
i count the hours
seconds
ticking bye
without you.

teach me
how to
love you.

and no one ever will...

self protrait, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

oh what a rush of manic depressive craziness the past few weeks have been, or maybe just the past few months, years? it seems like so much is going on, swirling around in my head and my body, but i feel like there is absolutely nothing to say. nothing to write about. it all seems so pointless, you know? why would some random person even care about what i've been up to or what i've been thinking about? but i will tell you anyway--- ive been thinking about comfort, home, organization compared to complete clutter and having way too many possesions.
So I went through my clothes first and filled 5 trash bags to take to goodwill this morning. and books, and suitcases, stuffed animals, mosquito nets, coats, everything. i cleaned out. (then i scrubbed my shower, and my toilet... and the floor in my bathroom. for someone who doesnt shower often, my bathroom was FILTHY! )

i've also been wondering so much about relationships-- when do you know if it is right? when does that strange euphoric "i just met you i cant live without you" feeling fade away and when do you start getting into the thick stuff? the important things? i guess you just know when it happens, or maybe you are forced into it by life changing events, but i still wonder- is it too soon for little notes in his bed? too soon for spending every night together and planing things?

so thats my life lately....

how about you?

leave...

its a rough road ahead, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.
*from the bell jar by sylvia plath*

your rules, they dont apply to me...

greg and me, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I'm finding myself in that begining stage again. Climbing the walls of the womb trying to peek my head out and learn to breathe on my own, or at least- with him.
The begining of decisions, of growing up and into myself. I am at the begining of a really fun relationships and a semester to hopefully engulf the last one. but it's hard! there are all these lines, these boundries and i have to work to figure out when i am crossing them- figure out what is too far, too much, too soon. and it's all rushing by so fast. so ridiculously fast. but i think im doing some things right. some major life changes are happening inside of me and i think this time i'm loose enough to go with it. to shake and move with the rhythm of my insides. and give in, surrender to what will happen.

a very very happy new year to everyone, i hope that 2005 brings you the time of your life.
i leave you with a link and a lovely little list.

http://crookedsmilemusic.com (so what if my boyfriend is the bass player, i still love the band!)

and... 10 things i am so grateful for in 2004:
10- my health, and my ability to write my own story
9- the amazing friendships i have grown into... tony, meredith, sabrina, andrea, greg, justin, liz, sarah, christian, kerem, it goes on and on..
8- my family and all that we have been through together
7- accupuncture, and the life it is leading me into-- the window it opens to my soul
6- the time and opportunity to have fun and go crazy
5- my amazing adventures throughout the country- in maine, california, vermont, philly, etc..
4- the amazing love that i felt, and the experiences it brought me, the amazing lengths i had to grow to get through it and all that i learned from him
3- whole foods
2- my choice! the fact that i could lay in bed for all those hours just deciding- where will i live? what school? with whom? so many decisions!!
1- the self clarity and understanding within the confusion