beautiful kati, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

sometimes dont you just want to yell


I DON'T WANT TO PLAY SILLY GAMES ANYMRE!!!!!!!!!!!




?

Move with it...

more new hair, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead
And you let me down...
And now you're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
And I'm trying to forget
You're coming home
And I'm trying to move on
You're coming home
And you haven't called yet"
*damien rice*


sometimes there are just no words to describe the good the bad the euphoric the hellacious all mixed into one.
just a sigh and a song for today.

New Photos, New Life....

kati, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." - George Bernard Shaw

(found in the most amazing little lady's blog, alex the girl!)


I love to take pictures. i love the feeling of the dark room and the way the image slowly but surely reveals itself. But I loathe processing film. And I can never remember which will improve my pictures- high contrast or low contrast? (the picture is too dark, what do i do??) And I doubt my capabilities endlessly.
I want to break that. I want to live a fearless life. I want to create photos that i love, not just ones i know will get me a good grade. I want to play around more and not be afraid of censoring. The only thing holding me back at this point is myself. I must push, preserve, finish this semester and keep in mind- i can start color in the fall!

on another note-
I've been spending so much time lately feeling sorry for myself. I feel sorry for getting sick, for what i had to go through last semester, sorry for so many of my friends being lost or angry. I turned around the other day and realized though, this is bullshit. I was creating an alternate personality for myself. I was sad, annoying, boring, and selfish. At random times stoping myself mid conversation to apologize and say "I really dont mean that." because these things are such a habit now. Self pitty was like an addiction to help me get through some things recently and I can't shake it. But I'm trying. Oh, I am trying so hard. LEave the little girl behind who loved her tears and pain, discover who i am, who i was. who is really inside of me.
(and the more and more i notice it in myself, the more I realize that it isnt just me. so many people wandering around feeling like their pain is special. to them, if i could say something, i would say, "i've been there. i've felt that. we all have. everyone has pain. it is so important to look at our lives from alternative perspectives. you have to realize that no matter what you are going through, simply because of who you are and what you have not gone through, someone somewhere is in a more painful and desperate situation than you...")

kiss

kati kiss peter, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

taking some private time- for myself....

im trying to learn to keep things sacred.

Strength

wolfie, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I'm finding lately that the strength we have within ourselves to get through the day to day activities is sometimes immeasurable.
And sometimes it comes so naturally. You wake up and do what needs to be done, despite nausea and fears. Not boastfully though. Day to day, I reaalized that someone has something that they wake up to and say "BUT I DONT WANNA DO THAT!" for one reason or another. yet the things always get done.

I wake up so neauseated i cant peel myself from my bed, yet I make it to class on time. We break up with our lovers yet work is always there waiting to be done. Life does not stop for our sadness. it doesnt helt for sick days anymore either. And so I am learning to dig within myself to find that strength. I am learning to make time for my pain, but not let it consume me. Which seems to be the most important thing for me to remember lately.

no words.

skates. in the car. oh my., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"For strong women"

A strong woman is a woman who is straining.
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing Boris Godunov.
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn't mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears
in her nose.

A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren't you feminine, why aren't
you soft, why aren't you quiet, why
aren't you dead?

A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you're so strong.

A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.

A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.

What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.

*marge piercy*