So much beauty...

I have put off posting for many reasons... One- I want to post something happy and summery, but I couldn't think of just the right thing. Two- I have been busy as heck and running around like a fool. Three- I am lazy.

The past week or so has been full of moments when there is so much pain for no good reason, I feel like I can't take it. I have been giving myself such a hard time because I feel like my summer isn't really a summer at all. I haven't been enjoying the good weather, getting outside and playing. I haven't spent much time just having fun with my friends. And the one vacation I have planned is only 3 days and 3 nights, 2 of which are occupied by a workshop.

But then I need to stop and look around- my life is full of so much beauty right now. I am blessed with this mini-vacation up to Maine where I will not only attend Sabrina Ward Harrison's workshop, but I will be her assistant. I am blessed to have such amazing friends that they understand that I am so busy and so overwhelmed that I just *can't* hang out right now.

I was driving home late at night last weekend and I was completely paralyzed by the organic beauty of the night. I was driving home from my sister's show, on the same road I took so many times coming home from a love's house. I could feel in my bones, I was aching to be able to go and see him, to be with him. I had on the most wonderful CD (thanks to Sara!) of Keri Noble and Regina Spektor. The way the street lights cast a pink fog over the old country road just made me so thankful- THANK YOU that I am here to experience this fully right now. Thank you for this moment.

And ever since that night, I have been filled with these moments of so much beauty. Going to the pool today with the kids next door, taking my sister home to Philadelphia and meeting the most amazing man in a middle eastern book store as well as meeting the most amazing woman who will do my tattoo in a month, reading books (White Oleander, Life is So Good) and watching movies (White Oleander, Life as a House) that make me realize the importance of my life and really dig inside of myself. I also have realized that waking up early, while it prevents me from staying up at night with friends, really invigorates me and helps me throughout the day.

I have been inspired lately and I have so many ideas for my life. Spending a summer out in San Francisco next year, maybe starting "real school" in the winter rather than next fall, learning to cook!, taking Italian and going to Tuscany for three weeks around Christmas, beach adventures...

I am so hopeful.

:-D

(I also got a new digital camera and a neat lil' ol' fully manual camera! YAAAY!)

My story

I have been thinking a lot lately about my entries in this blog as of recently. I was thinking of how ugly my life must seem, how ugly the inside of my must seem because I have written so much about my anger and my pain. I haven't written much about my joy. Then I debated in my mind whether or not I should stop writing about the dark parts of my life and write of the pleasures and moments of ecstasy. Do I show you a picture of my life as dark or as light?
I don't know the answer to that question. But I do know that I want the story to be honest. I want it to include all parts- the disappointing, hurt, sick, sad, angry parts as well as the euphoric, excited, grinning, joyful parts.

So here is the honest story of my weekend because I think it is a good example of my life right now.

Friday night I went to work with one of my best friends in the world and had a great time and made some money as well. Saturday I woke up to a beautiful day and went art shopping and took a nice trip to the library. And I was going to go to the jewelry studio to work on my homework, but I started having the most horrible whole body ache. I felt dizzy and sweaty. So I drove home and had dinner with Granny and knitted for a while. Shortly after my entire family left, I got a huge wave of nausea that overtook me. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move. I laid on the couch for hours and then finally made it to my bed only to vomit all over it. I felt no better, but I made my way slowly upstairs and took my temperature and it was 103.5 eek! Finally my mom and dad got home and took care of me and put me to bed. I woke up feeling a little better Sunday morning and went into work from 10-2. I had dreaded it. I was afraid I would get sick and be stuck in an unfamiliar, scary place. Instead, I felt better when I left. I was in a great mood and the weather was amazing. A slight chill in the air and so sunny you had to squint when you walked outside! I went outside and played with some amazing kiddies who live next to me. MY heart was overflowing with joy! Then I came home for dinner with my beautiful, amazing parents for father's day. About 30 minutes later, I found myself passed out on the couch downstairs. I tried to get up and go to the bathroom but my left side, right near my ribs felt like someone had a vice wrapped around it and was tightening it. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I tried yelling for my mom to come down and eventually (about 20 minutes later) my dad heard me. Slowly, but surely, without food and with lots of water and a warm bath, the pain subsided and I was left with that cramping feeling like I just had to go to the bathroom. So I sat down to try to do the homework for my jewelry class that I couldn't do all weekend (I really do need to use stuff in the studio to do it!). I got so frustrated. The rest of this class (about 6 weeks) is comprised of broaches and pendants. I want to be positive and get the most out of it, but I have no desire to make these things. I wouldn't wear it and I don't want to make or sell anything that I myself wouldn't even wear. Not even halfway through my hoop earrings, I ran out of supplies. (grrrrrr- I cant take any more set backs!!) So I went online to research ideas for some broaches or pendants.
Then it seemed like the sky opened up and my heart opened up and the pain went away. I got so involved in this research- reading about women's roles in Africa and about Female Genital Mutilation made me feel so unbelievably lucky. I felt lucky to have the rights that I have (even though our president wants to take them away).

So although I am having a rough time handling my frustration and feelings of overwhelm, my life is filled with these moments of sheer happiness. Moments that are colored bright yellow and moments that make me smile no matter what I was doing before them.

So... That's the true story I guess.

Today I send to you warm summer days of running in the grass, or laying in bed with a good movie on or with a good book. I send to you happiness to be found however you wish!

Papa

Thank you papa... You are the sunshine of my life. You are constantly there to support me in any way I need. You have nothing but constant love for me.

I appreciate and love you more than you'll ever know!

XOXOXO
Wmily

On the go...

Lately, my days have been filled with, "I have to"s

Example:
"I have to go to the post office"
"I have to get posters for my new room"
"I have to go to Whole foods"
"I have to go to the library"

Errands are consuming my day and, as dumb as it sounds, tiring me out! Why do I feel that I need to do these things *right now* when all of them can wait a few days. I don't really *need* to do any of them, I just want to, or feel that I should.

I want my life to be filled with reading by candlelight and watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" and lots of laying in bed or laying in the grass laughing. I don't want my life to be run by feelings of things I should be doing.

*******************

In other, more positive news... I am in complete EUPHORIA and delight. I am walking in a constant ray of sunshine....
I was asked to be Sabrina's assistant in her Maine *weekend* workshop. For a whole weekend!!! AAAAIIIIEEE! (for those who can't tell that's the excited noise I always make when things get me happy... or overwhelmed, but right now its happy!) This is such an exciting time!!!

Injustice

I woke up this morning starting my new book. Woman's inhumanity to woman.

I spent hours at the library yesterday looking through the women's studies books and photography books. I finally settled and borrowed only five. It was so difficult narrowing down my options.

Last night before going to bed I read the most recent Time magazine about religion and politics. I was physically ill and felt nauseous over what I read. It is such a simple thing- separation of church and state- yet our country is still being ruled with such a "code of ethics" that not everyone agrees with. The beauty and thrill of America is that we can believe what we want and not have that controlled by the government. But what do we do when the government makes laws that block us into a corner where we can no longer practice free will? I have become so overwhelmed with anger and sadness over George W. Bush and his administration. Their blatant disregard to women's rights and more importantly, human beings' rights.

Two links that I couldn't agree with more...
Jen Gray (the beautiful, the amazing)
Ani Difranco (the woman whose voice inspires me!)

ARGH!

Why am I constantly comparing myself to other people? I know that I just made a post about this, but it is such a huge factor in my life right now. I think I should take a break from reading weblogs for a little bit. It is very comforting and inspiring but at the same time it makes me feel so down on myself. I end up reading them and getting so much out of it, but also coming away from it so incredibly frustrated, feeling like "WHY can't I be living life like that now?" I know, I must have patience and things will come to me, things will happen when they are meant to happen. But it is just so frustrating.

At the beginning of my jewelry class yesterday, we all laid out the pieces we made for homework and I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I kept saying to myself over and over "my pieces aren't as creative as the other women" and "my pieces look too much like Andrea's jewelry or the jewelry I saw in the mall yesterday" and I did the same thing with my sketch book... When will I stop this and accept that I am not mimicking other people's work and I am doing things really creatively. And when will I learn to stop comparing myself to other women?

(I should really make a note of saying that I did get extreme inspiration from Andrea's entry to really go start making my jewelry homework. And also I realized that I shouldn't always expect people to be sending me letters in return. Especially people like Justin far far away in Germany. I also need to stop expecting that one day I will go to San Francisco [or another city] and sit with any one of these women and she will spill out all the answers to all the questions I have. Life doesn't work that way, and even if it did, I need to live my way into the answers like in letters to a young poet. Isn't life just funny sometimes? )

Memory

I think it was in all the organizing that went along with moving that I realized the power of memory. I pretty much went through everything I own; every piece of scrap paper or photograph was deeply considered and thrown away. I was amazed at how much I had forgotten. I saw pictures of old friends like Savannah and Kevin- people I spent all day every day with and whom I never really talk to now. I found pieces of my childhood buried deep inside my closet and all of a sudden it all came back and I remembered everything- waiting at the bus stop, learning to tie my shoes at Mrs. Debbie's house, doing homework in Gina's backyard.
Lately, I have been second-guessing everything. Every small decision I have ever made, I have been going back and saying "I should have done things differently..." But yesterday I realized that I have been blessed. I have had such a good life filled with good friends and extreme abundance of beauty. Yes, I have been dealt a much harder hand than most people I know, but I also have been dealt so much more beauty and knowledge than most people ever see.
******************
On the subject of being dealt a hard hand at life- I spent Thursday night at Sara's with Meghan sitting out on her porch with lit candles and talking for hours. We were discussing children who grow up in the city and how tough they have it and Sara said "I guess it's that whole idea that God won't give you things he doesn't think you're strong enough to handle." I think that is such an amazing way of looking at things. Although I don't always know there is God- I believe there is something bigger out there and maybe I was handed this disease because I could handle it whereas most other people might buckle under the difficulty of it. Then I started looking around at the people I know who have had bad things happen to them (especially lately)- Joey, Andrea, Allison and Mrs. Joan, my father- and I realized that even without the difficulties they were thrown, they are the strongest people I know. They are the people I would list when I say "they can always see the good side of things" or "they can handle anything."
So although it doesn't make it any easier when bad things happen to good people, it is a different way of looking at it and maybe that will help someone someday...

I'm sorry that I'm sorry that I'm sorry...

Just a quick update... I apologise for not updating much lately, I have been busy as heck, moving to the basement and all. And I guess it doesn't help that when I moved my computer downstairs today, it decided it didn't really want to work anymore. I know I didn't update much to begin with, but I especially haven't been updating this week. I will be getting a new computer around the begining of July so hopefully by then I can update more and check my e-mail and get back to people more.


I am thoroughly enjoying A softer world
And falling in love with my new hemp skirt!

My Angel....

Just sitting here being read to by the most amazing six year old in the world, Christian. He is the smartest person I know, as well as the most understanding. (He is so good, I babysitt him for free. And to be honest, I come over all the time just to play with him!)
I think children are so amazing. It's like this little window showing us what the world might be like in a few years. I really think that if we don't stifle our children and we let them speak out and be who they really are, I think that the world will change. Maybe I am just naive to think that though.

I really need to draw in my journal more. Especially now that I am taking Jewelry Basics and I am required to keep a drawing journal of things I want to try and make. It's just so hard to sit down and do it because I am always beating myself up about my drawing abilities. And it is probably ridiculous to think- but I keep convincing myself that somehow my life will be magically better, improved, and less flawed if I drew in my journal every day. Maybe this is true, Maybe not. It's just so hard to find the time and actually sit down and draw something.

Today I wish to all of you magical sunlight warming your face and your shoulders. I wish to you faith that through the bad, things will work out as they should. I wish to you smiling children and journals full of drawings. I wish to you Iced Tea outside and best friends to spend the night.

Terror

My sister brought this link to my attention a few days ago and I feel as though I have been living in a state of terror ever since.
If George W. Bush gets elected in November, there is no doubt in my mind that I will move to a foreign country for 4 years until his reign(s) of terror are over. (That is, if he doesn't cause Armagedon between now and then)

http://www.congress.org/congressorg/issues/alert/?alertid=5834001&content_dir=ua_congressorg

I am going to make fliers to put in mailboxes and walk around talking to people about this. I feel that something this big and something that affects as many people as this need to be brought to their attention.

Please do whatever you can to spread the word!! This is terrifying!

Monster

To anyone who hasn't seen it yet, I highly recommend the movie Monster. Charleze Theron is absolutely brilliant in the role of a prostitute serial killer. I was truly captivated and I felt as though I really was inside of her and feeling what she was feeling. It seemed slow at the beginning but by the end I was blown away. It really made me think about how much suffering there is in this country and how little we seem to be doing to stop it.

I love you unconditionally, but...

I feel, genuinely, that I really love my very close friends and family unconditionally. Even in those moments where I disagree with what they are doing or when they aggravate me to no end, I still love them, it's just a little harder to see. So sometimes it is really hurtful when these people are unable to love me in the same way.
I never have really understood why one would keep a friendship that was only hurting them. Or why someone would simply ignore the fact that their friend had such poor and selfish intentions in nearly everything that they do. For example, I have a friend who really is one of my "closest/best" friends. I love him unconditionally, although I don't always like him. But I am constantly having to censor what I say around him. He is very quick to judge me, and lead those judgments into an argument. It has gotten to a point where he barely even knows what I really do with my time because if I were to tell him some of what I do, he would jump all over me and tell me how he can't associate with me unless I stop because I am only hurting myself.
It's kind of hard to see who is doing the right thing- the friend who turns their back because they disagree with the person or the friend who accepts the person's down points and remains their friend. What do you think?

The rest of this week and the weekend should be very exciting.

Tomorrow (Thursday)- Rock climbing clinic at REI with my good friend Carin.
Friday- Hopefully a quick massage and a day to clean and prepare for Sunday.
Saturday- An all day art festival in New Jersey with my friend Sara with performances by Jonatha Brooke, Shawn Colvin, and Ani Difranco.
Sunday- My graduation party!!!
Monday- I start my jewelry and metals class at the Maryland institute College of Art.

:-)

Inclusive...

A major theme in my life lately has been the idea of being "included." I think as far back as I remember, I have always felt as though there was this club of people who really where "where it's at" and who "got it" and were "included." I have had such a fear of things happening without me and somehow I will be left behind, clueless. I will be the first to admit that I don't always fit in, but this idea has taken too much of a hold on my life. I spend too much time thinking "if only they would include me... like me... want to hang out with me." You know what? Maybe I should have been thinking less about them including me and more about me including THEM.

I thoroughly enjoy reading websites/blogs. There is a list of about 10 or so that I read on an almost daily basis. Jen Gray, Andrea Sher, Keri Smith, Christine Castro, Alex Beauchamp, etc... I have almost subconsciously grouped these women together (along with people like SARK and Sabrina Ward Harrison) and put a ridiculous label on them- "Women I want to be" or "Women who are living the life I want to live." And lately things have been based around getting to be one of them... It's like freshmen year all over again- trying to get in with the popular crowd. It was all becoming very overwhelming.
Then today Andrea made a post that really put it into perspective.
I do not have to be trying so hard to be one of these women. It's not that I can't be one of them- it is exactly the opposite... I already am one of them. Simply by being myself and living the life I want to live and being true to my creative dreams. So what if I can't just fly out to San Francisco and visit Andrea or Sabrina or call any of them on the phone to have a long meaningful conversation. That's not what matters. What matters right now is just staying true to what is best for me. And maybe if I keep doing that and I just happen to be near them, maybe I can meet Andrea or any one of them for lunch. Things happen in mysterious ways and I am realizing this now- I can't be living to fit some ideal that I have created for myself. I have to do what feels right and what is natural deep down inside.