It has been oh so long since last I wrote. Too long to even try to cover the direction my life has veered off into, and then veered back and off and back and off a million times. So I will skip the catching up for later. I'm back... that's all that really matters!
I start school tomorrow. Not just any school, but a new school. I'm finally leaving the comfort of community college and heading off to university. i even have a big girl psychology major to go with my big girl school. it sounds so silly, but i am nervous. i feel like when i started middle school or (eek!) high school and had to start all over with no idea what to expect! I want my mommy and daddy to take a photo of me getting on the bus- only its not the bus anymore, it's my new subaru wagon for an hour commute. (i hate myself for what i am about to do to our planet!)
I can feel myself freaking out inside. The past week I have become obsessed with art school too. That was where I was supposed to go when i graduated high school, but life threw me in another direction. I'm totally cool with this new direction and gosh darnit i will finish this degree before starting another... but i cant get the thought out of my head.
i'd rather be walking to class with paint and canvas than textbooks and calculators. i'd rather be taking photography or printmaking than statistics and ideas in writing. but the fear holds me back. my father (bless his soul) agreed to pay for any degrees as long as i finish them, so why am i holding back from this dream?
1- because i need to finish a psych degree first
2- because i am terrified to not have what i need in life (food, home, clothes, things like that)
3- because really i feel deep down inside that i wouldnt get into art school, and even if i did- i would suck and fail or be criticized.
i need to go make a positive list, a gratitude list to finish out my night!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Birthday Eve...
Sitting here, starting this at 6 am, watching the sun rise above the elementary school in my backyard. I can see the rats scampering across the alley and the "unmarked" police car that hovers in the corner of the playground most nights. But for some reason it gives me more feelings of unrest, less feelings of comfort.
I've been trying really hard lately to actually do something with myself. I know, i know, this sounds completely ridiculous, but I have been making a point out of leaving the house at least once a day, even when i feel like doing absolutely nothing but attaching my sweaty ass to the futon downstairs and watch harry potter all day. I keep telling myself "you have to make your summer worthwhile. you have to make something of your life, and there is no way that will happen just sitting at home." But I'm coming to find that that theory is incredibly wrong. It is when I am meddling around running pointless, stupid errands, that i feel like my life lacks the most beauty and love.
Last night I got pretty sick. Out of nowhere I got incredibly hot and couldn't catch my breath for the life of me. I eased my way to the bathroom (the good ol' puke paranoia came in handy for something, finally!) and spat up. In the past 15 years I have never spat up. Thrown up, yes, but spat up? no. So here i am so far beyond nauseous and i'm spitting it up little by little. This time on the bathroom floor made me realize though- maybe the running around, constantly trying to BE somewhere, is really getting my nowhere except back to the hospital. What if the place where i really needed to be has been right here, resting, sleeping?
I've been trying really hard lately to actually do something with myself. I know, i know, this sounds completely ridiculous, but I have been making a point out of leaving the house at least once a day, even when i feel like doing absolutely nothing but attaching my sweaty ass to the futon downstairs and watch harry potter all day. I keep telling myself "you have to make your summer worthwhile. you have to make something of your life, and there is no way that will happen just sitting at home." But I'm coming to find that that theory is incredibly wrong. It is when I am meddling around running pointless, stupid errands, that i feel like my life lacks the most beauty and love.
Last night I got pretty sick. Out of nowhere I got incredibly hot and couldn't catch my breath for the life of me. I eased my way to the bathroom (the good ol' puke paranoia came in handy for something, finally!) and spat up. In the past 15 years I have never spat up. Thrown up, yes, but spat up? no. So here i am so far beyond nauseous and i'm spitting it up little by little. This time on the bathroom floor made me realize though- maybe the running around, constantly trying to BE somewhere, is really getting my nowhere except back to the hospital. What if the place where i really needed to be has been right here, resting, sleeping?
Friday, July 01, 2005
I find such strength, but a huge deep vulnerability.
I am single.
For the past few years it seems like i have been emotionally, physically, or in any way connected seriously to someone else. Whether it was Justin studying abroad with my heart, or Mike and the secrecy of our relationship, then Greg. Or Ben, Graham, Nate, or anyone else in between, I have been attached and commited (at least emotionally) to someone.
I lost Greg on Tuesday, and I've been so grateful ever since. Greg was truly the first time I felt love, real love flowing through my being every time I was near him. Greg taught me so many things about myself, and i realized how selfish i felt for being sad. yes, part of me is curhsed and wants to me on my knees at his door begging him, but overall I am moving on. I know this may not be the end of things between us, but for now I realized that i need this too. I need to be alone. I need to work on me. I need to stop feeling obligated to make time for everyone but myself I only wish his friendship would last...
Love, loss, relationships, and people have been on my mind so much lately. how much is a right amount to give of yourself to any one person?
I cant find a good balance yet.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy'
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
*damien rice* "cannonball"
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy'
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
*damien rice* "cannonball"
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Moving with the ebb and flow....
I'm trying lately... but it seems so difficult. The idea of "go with the flow." In hindsight I feel like that kind of defined this year for me- "just go with the flow, change with your situations and learn to get through them and survive." But in the past month or so it has become so hard, almost impossible.
I keep wondering in my head- when does a person reach that point where they are ready, really truly ready to let go of a relationship that they know in their heart isnt over? I've been trying to give space, trying to voice my concerns. But I have been shut out, completely cut off for reasons that are beyond myself.
I'm finding right now that it is really difficult for me to find that light in everyone. I am having trouble seeing through the cloud and smoke,(I can't see people's souls the way i used to. I've temporarily lost that belief that each and every one of us is beautiful and soulful.)ot see past the strings of judgement and a need to make everyone better. I never actually did make anyone better. I think all I have done is put myself in situations where i say "so- and - so did this and that to me, and i think it is hurting him as a person, and i know this issue will come up again later in life, so i should help them to see the fault so they can fix it." But really and truly all i am doing is getting furious with them, and using that as an excuse to tell them "you pissed me off." I have yet to find a place for my anger.
Meanwhile, what i should be doing- instead of aproaching the subject with anger, frustration, and complete self doubt- is to just be honest. I want to be able to feel someone enough that i dont have to tell them- "dude, when i fell in the toilet seat the other night half asleep i was really pissed" However, i know this is a really idealistic goal, and pretty impractical.
I am reading a book right now called "The Hippie Trip" and while i really discourage the use of that title because in reality, very few true hippies exist today and those who are labeled as such are more often than not just lazy stoners or junkies. But it is such a fascinating book.It was written in 1968, so it has the truth about hippies. Rather than a look back at the impact that the counterculture had, it predicts. It looks at the hippie counterculture both in urban areas and in the farm like communes from a sociological perspective. The author tells all these whacky stories of the people he met through his "research", people whose whole life is based around the idea of seeing that light and soul in each of us and loving us not despite our incredible flaws but because of them. I think that is the major idea of that movement that i can relate to the most in my life. Imagine living a life where anger didnt come up... Imagine being able to train yourself to feel compassion for even those people who have wronged you so much...
where does everyone else put their anger?
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
A "Wasted" Day.
I've been feeling so guilty lately. It feels like i have been waiting around for something, for Christian to come home, for those silly boys to call. I have been putting my life on hold. Do you ever find yourself doing it? Yes, the house is so lonely with only me inside. But that doesn't mean I have to feel like my life is being wasted alone.
So this morning I woke up and went to the grocery store, did laundry, made cupcakes, and now i am having my parents over for tacos!
A day with laughter is never a wasted day.... (or something like that)
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
so distant. i feel like i have been out of touch with everyone i love for so long.
so stressed. this week has been incredibly busy from working extra hours to cleaning puke or trying to get the brita filter out of the garbage disposal so the sink will do its job, or trying to get internet at the house since i have been paying for it but dont have it.
so lonely. my puppy is in europe, bratislava today i believe. kerem is home. brian is home. chuck is home. and i am downtown, away from everyone in bel air that i havent seen in so long. i wish i weren't so far away from them right now, i want to see them and tell them "I'm SoRrY."
but the flashes of beauty are amazing. i have been blessed with an amazing job- hey i even sold a pipe to the bassist from sublime last week. i have an amazing, supportive family (and my parents are as good as they come).
Before I know it, my puppy will be home, my roomies will all move in and it'll be time for festivals!
whats going on with you lately?
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
my old place...
Sorry so sorry... I feel like i have been pushed off of the face of the earth. so busy, so hectic, so nuts.
So a quick little highlight update:
-i moved to charles village.
-i have a new job.
-i am about 90% single.
life has rushed so quickly lately. no internet, a messy phone. i feel like i have been a hermit in my own world and am just now peaking out again (although i still have to go to the library for internet). i want to apologize to anyone reading this that has been hurt by my absence. I know I havent been available and i understand that i have acted selfishly... but finally things are begining to calm down and hopefully now i can feel able to breathe again.
i miss you---- sam, brian, justin, jason, jackie, joe, jamie, sara bella, , tom, karen, joey, tony..... you get the idea.
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