Love....

cowgir mirror, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

So I've been thinking so much tonight. Sitting and wondering and thinking and realizing- this thing, this life that we have is so huge. It is impossible to grasp. And within this life, we have these chances to make something of it- chances to change people, to change ourselves, to really have an affect. I had a conversation with my friend Justin about it one night- the question of "how will you know that you have accomplished what you want in life?" and my answer was so simple and without hesitation.. All I want is to matter. I want to mean so much to another person that they can't imagine life without me. I want to mean so much to them that they want to be a better person for me.

And then from there I was thinking about something that happened tonight. Or maybe two things that happened tonight. (This is so hard- wanting to say every little detail of what happened, but not being able to. I can't put it into words, there is no possible way to form a sensible story or thought about what tonight brought me.) We all spend so much time withholding things- withholding love, words, kisses, truth. Why? It can't possibly be worth it to keep so much inside. Why are we so timid to tell lovers "I love you"? Why does it take so much to simply say "I am scared that I won't hear from you again for another two months and that kills me."?Why can't we just be honest? And I realized my reasons for holding back were so small, so pointless.
1- fear of coming on too strong
2- fear of pushing him further away/ scaring him
3- fear of being too much to handle

So where do I go from here?

I lay in bed and I write, I cry, I remember how it was when he called (when I didn't spend days just waiting to see if he will call me back). I watch Felicity because the third season came out on DVD and helps me feel less alone. And I pray. For those of you who know me well, you know that I have never really prayed- but I am now. I am because I want this so badly and because I don't know what else to do.

(It was the strangest thing tonight having everyone tell me that he was looking at me- that he was looking at me the whole time, but to have him not even say anything. And I dan't know what to do anymore...)

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"Love is complete and utter surrender. That's a big word, surrender. It doesn't mean letting people walk all over you, take advantage of you. It's when we surrender control, let go of our egos, that all the love in the world is there waiting for us. Love is not a game, it's a state of being."
Henry Miller, Reflections

Settle down.

bumper sticker, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I have always been the type of girl to say "I am never getting married" and "I am never having my own kids." I always thought that I could live my life on my own, I didn't need anyone else. I thought that I didn't want to be with the same person for the rest of my life- what a concept: to be attached permanently to someone, spending every day, every night, every tear, and every smile with ONE person. Let alone to create a new life with this person- to make a human being. What a commitment!! I could never handle the thought of it.

And then I realized last week, I have met someone who I want to settle down for. I want to cancel plans and let go of things because I want a life with him. I want to create another person with him... What a thought that is- to have something tangible every day to see to remind me of the way I feel for him. WOW.

So what is it? What is it about this guy (who I dont even know if I am attached to) that makes me want to drop everything and that changes the way I feel about everything? I dont know. But I do know that the world looks different when I am with him, and even when I think about him. All the desperation and sadness vanishes with the thought of him- all the fighting and injustice in the world vanishes when I think about living with him and being with him.

(and then i realize that i am a silly little girl- that if i told him any of this he would be terrified and stop calling again)

Earl.

earl, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

This is Earl. He is the best little thing I have ever met. He is a plastic, $5 monk bought a few days ago but already he brings such good karma, good vibes to my life.

And today I learned that he dances... If I put on Keller Williams cd Laugh he totally dances!!

light in the dark

etown drive, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

and then it all came together.
weird isnt it?

i hadnt really written much about him in here out of fear- fear of repetition, of people who knows him reading it, of many things... But then all of a sudden I wrote about him so much- i couldnt help myself.
and then it all fell into place.
spending the night with him, just feeling him so close. those kisses i waited so long for, the way we feel together- i spent so much time wondering what it would be like... our skin together was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. there really are no words to explain the beauty, sheer euphoria of life with him.

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thank you for your comments-- it really means so much. i wish i could get them more often, but i think because of that when people do leave messages they just mean so much!!!

Sigma Kai

Sigma Kai, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

i think this photo is aboslutely adorable. my great amazing friend sara, me, christian, and brian at the frat house at hopkins. (if i am the only one who thinks it is cute... sorry!)


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and i leave you with something I wrote a few days ago...


…and I sit there on that couch across from you... him… The blue tv light filling in the spaces between us. How did we get here? How did we go through all of that and end up so restless and uneasy here on separate couches filling time with meaningless talk when we want to scream and cry… when all I want to say is “I missed you. I needed you, I still do need you.” But I know that wouldn’t mean anything. And I’m still wondering if I mean anything.

Life goes on and moves past us faster than we could ever imagine. I remember that day when we were driving to the river; you told me about your mother and your dad. I saw something in you that day that justified it all. I think that was the first time I realized how real it all was. Everything with you was always real. I always felt full and whole and justified. With you I had reasons. I had answers and days full of talks, and looks given in those silent moments that made me melt. I miss that- the way you would come over after work each night. I would always try to shower before you got there. I hated that you had to wait for me while I washed my hair, but you didn’t mind. You just sat on the couch listening to my way-too-loud-for-acoustic Van Morrison cd that penetrated the bathroom walls to fill the basement. And I would walk out in my towel and you would look at me that way. God! What I wouldn’t give for you to look at me like that again.

I want to say something- just sitting there looking at you. It feels so unnatural. Who are you? Didn’t we used to talk for hours? I want to kiss you so badly. I can feel the pain of it all, the deep ache in my chest. I can feel the lonliness in knowing that I cant touch you anymore and the break deep inside from the not knowing… not knowing what you want or what happened to us.

So I slowly stand up, “we should hang out again sometime.”



“Yeah definitely,” is all you say. (I used to love your mono syllabic responses.)



“Call me.”

You don’t call.

I leave and you don’t call and I wonder if I will ever see you again.

An entry

driving home, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

A little tidbit from my journal.. a glimpse of my "real life" lately.

"I'm walking down the steps and i cant make it. i break down into huge, gulping sobs in the middle of the stairs. what is happening to me? i dont even know whose life i am living. school and work and family are just not working right now. (I have freedom to make my own money to pay my own bills and freedom to have to fend for myself... but i am expected to be in by midnight and call to tell you where i am whenver i go anywhere...)

and mike... oh mike...
this is love? this is that insatiable aching of loss and what happens after love has passed. he is all i think about. i havent been myself since i lost him. i cant eat right, i cant sleep right. i feel like i'm fading (and i wish he would find me)."

livin' in the shaddow

Baltimore skyline on a rainy fall day, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Loving my new "anti bra" from penelope
http://www.penelopeillustration.com/ready%20to%20go/brasforsale2.html

Missing Andrea's smiling face
http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/

Excited about this lyrics site
http://www.danah.org/Ani/

Feeling A softer world
http://www.asofterworld.com/

Where I need to be....

liz and me at work, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I had a great conversation with Joshua, the owner of a great hemp clothing store in Towson, the other day.
I've been in the store more than a few times and every time he remembers me, remembers what i bought and how it looked on me. Yesterday while I was trying some clothes on, we started talking over a cup of tea.
We were discussing my diet, and my health and I said something about working at Ruby Tuesday and how it really isn't me and it goes against much of what I agree with, but that my family is there and I couldn't bare to leave them.
He replied, "I think the beautiful part of our conversation was the lack of judgement. I didnt judge you for working there. I think it's where you need to be right now. It is bringing you love and great relationships. Who knows why, but it is where you belong at this point."

And when I thought about it, he was right. And it works in so many situations. It may not be what is expected, but it is what is needed.

This thing

Me and Liz in the mirror, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

(I will appologize ahead of time, my keyboard is being taken over by the goernment and Cheney won't let half of myletters out unless i press them each a few times... so if it's spotty... i guess you'l have to deal)

I've had this realization lately of the people my life should be full of. It's hard to explain but here goes my try:
I was raised what most would call a "flower child." A vegan unti around age 16, my dad used to take my sister and me to outdoor festivals full of hemp and dreadlocks. Needless to say my private, catholic high school was a HUGE culture shock to me. Aside from religion (i was raised and except for a few years of nonsense, i still am unitarian universalist), I had never seen people who were so-- I don't know. Judging, stuck on themselves and on their possessions, or unaware of the world that went on around them. Even the town where I moved was like that, most of them not really having left Harford County much. But I met people, people who are still my best friends and it is not with judgement that I look at them, but with curiosity- wanting to know *why* *how* they work.
But lately I;ve been getting back to my roots, back to my upbringing and my true soul. People have been thrown into the mix of my life (or thrown *back* into the mix) in the past few months who truly inspire me and delight me with thoughts of who i *truly* am, and support me completely. (Except for Carin, one of my dearest friends I went to high school with, no one there had the similarities of the free spirited fmily support)
It is freeing and amazing. These kind, gentle, loving, aware, active people are my friends- it feels like I am 10 years old in Sunday School in a room filled with these folks.
I feel like I am being given a second childhood.


(thank you- miriam, meredith, jenny, aria, mike)
(and who can forget the threesome!)

ani difranco 911

ani difranco 911, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

tightened my belt around my hips
where your hands were missing
and stepped out into the cold
collar high
under the slate gray sky
the air was smoking and the streets were dry
and i wasn't joking when i said
good bye
there were magazine quality men talking on the corner
french, no less much less of them then us
so why do i feel like something's been rearranged?
you know, taken out of context i must seem so strange

*ani difranco*


last night, seeing her on the stage only feet away from me... amazing!

The way we were....

Back in the day, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I think of who I was then...
and who I am now.

I think of all that time in between.
and all that has happened,
the way I have changed,
the way all of us have changed.

And I am amazed.




"To search in the darkness
For someone who looks like me

(Though I'm not really who I said I was
Or who I thought I'd be)

Just a collection of recollections
Conversations consisting
Of the kind of marks we make
When we're trying to get a pen to work again

A lifetime of them!"
*ani difranco*

No Words

Meredith, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"Listen how my heart beats inside me
the story of a thousand better days
and i wish i could say anything to wash away today
cause it wont matter when we're old...
it matters now."
*Jonatha Brooke*


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I've spend so much time debating in my head over and over again what to say in here- whether to talk about what has been going on deep inside of me or whether to keep it private. Do I share this torn, ragged piece of me with the world or do I keep it wrapped up and drown in it?

And then I realized there were no words to possibly explain all of this.
So do I try anyway?
I guess.

I'm running back and forth out of breath and stained with tears. In love with a boy who I need to leave, and realizing that I am starting to love another boy who has already left me. How do I make the right move?
I'm spending entire nights sweating without sleep because I am not happy with where my life is right now. I am not happy here in Bel Air, Maryland but I don't have anywhere else to go- no one to stay with while i figure things out. (But do I really want to leave him behind?)

And then I think, "Who am I to be so unhappy? I have everything. I am so blessed." But that just isn't enough right now.
I feel whiny and I'm sorry but it hurts so bad.

Fear and Loathing in Bel Air...

ali, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

A few nights ago my good friend Tom and I got into an argument over politics. Being a very strong republican, he had a lot to say about my opposition to George W. Bush. This argument has managed to carry over into tonight.

I love Tom dearly, but it scares me. It scares me so much to think that people can be so blind to the lies of "our president." I am terrified at the lies he belives to be true of the Bush Administration, yet thinks anything out of a demacrats mouth is a lie. And it scares me to face the difficulty I have at arguing my side. IT's not that I dont have valid points or that I can't back myself up but it feels so uncomfortable trying to justify myself to someone.

It all makes me realize that I hate talking about politics.
And I am so scared, scared to tears and panic attacks at what will happen if George W. is re-elected in November.

Home...

Bed, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Andrew : Fuck, this hurts.
Sam : I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.



*Garden State*

Fading into the background...

Fading into the background..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Why are people so cruel?
Why is the world full of folks who talk behind "friend"'s backs?
Why is jealousy such a huge influence on our actions?
What is to be gained by making someone else feel horrible about themselves?

I've spent the past day thinking- thinking so much more than a person ever should.
I found out that someone who is sweet as pie to me- to my face- said something completely ridiculous and hurtful about me behind my back- and by saying this so repeatedly caused a guy who i really care about to stop calling me and stop hanging out with me. It really made me think- how frivolous are some people's lives that this is the only way they can be happy?

It makes me think twice before I speak- to go back in my head and want to applogize to everyone who I have talked about or been even sort of mean to.
I just don't understand it all...

The beautifuls...

The beautifuls..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

A wonderful celebration is in order- my blessed, amazing, beautiful pal SaBrInA wArD HarRiSoN's third book, MeSSY thriLLing liFe is out! It is incredible, amazing, honest, and pure.

You can get it from amazon.com!