Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy'
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
*damien rice* "cannonball"

Moving with the ebb and flow....

My New Bedroom!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I'm trying lately... but it seems so difficult. The idea of "go with the flow." In hindsight I feel like that kind of defined this year for me- "just go with the flow, change with your situations and learn to get through them and survive." But in the past month or so it has become so hard, almost impossible.
I keep wondering in my head- when does a person reach that point where they are ready, really truly ready to let go of a relationship that they know in their heart isnt over? I've been trying to give space, trying to voice my concerns. But I have been shut out, completely cut off for reasons that are beyond myself.
I'm finding right now that it is really difficult for me to find that light in everyone. I am having trouble seeing through the cloud and smoke,(I can't see people's souls the way i used to. I've temporarily lost that belief that each and every one of us is beautiful and soulful.)ot see past the strings of judgement and a need to make everyone better. I never actually did make anyone better. I think all I have done is put myself in situations where i say "so- and - so did this and that to me, and i think it is hurting him as a person, and i know this issue will come up again later in life, so i should help them to see the fault so they can fix it." But really and truly all i am doing is getting furious with them, and using that as an excuse to tell them "you pissed me off." I have yet to find a place for my anger.
Meanwhile, what i should be doing- instead of aproaching the subject with anger, frustration, and complete self doubt- is to just be honest. I want to be able to feel someone enough that i dont have to tell them- "dude, when i fell in the toilet seat the other night half asleep i was really pissed" However, i know this is a really idealistic goal, and pretty impractical.
I am reading a book right now called "The Hippie Trip" and while i really discourage the use of that title because in reality, very few true hippies exist today and those who are labeled as such are more often than not just lazy stoners or junkies. But it is such a fascinating book.It was written in 1968, so it has the truth about hippies. Rather than a look back at the impact that the counterculture had, it predicts. It looks at the hippie counterculture both in urban areas and in the farm like communes from a sociological perspective. The author tells all these whacky stories of the people he met through his "research", people whose whole life is based around the idea of seeing that light and soul in each of us and loving us not despite our incredible flaws but because of them. I think that is the major idea of that movement that i can relate to the most in my life. Imagine living a life where anger didnt come up... Imagine being able to train yourself to feel compassion for even those people who have wronged you so much...

where does everyone else put their anger?

My Xian, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

a nice little snipet of a song i've been listening to a lot lately... or rather, poem... it's ani difranco, you never know..... "and i dont always feel lucky, but i'm smart enough to try."

A "Wasted" Day.

Kerem, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I've been feeling so guilty lately. It feels like i have been waiting around for something, for Christian to come home, for those silly boys to call. I have been putting my life on hold. Do you ever find yourself doing it? Yes, the house is so lonely with only me inside. But that doesn't mean I have to feel like my life is being wasted alone.
So this morning I woke up and went to the grocery store, did laundry, made cupcakes, and now i am having my parents over for tacos!

A day with laughter is never a wasted day.... (or something like that)

the wonderful house, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

so distant. i feel like i have been out of touch with everyone i love for so long.
so stressed. this week has been incredibly busy from working extra hours to cleaning puke or trying to get the brita filter out of the garbage disposal so the sink will do its job, or trying to get internet at the house since i have been paying for it but dont have it.
so lonely. my puppy is in europe, bratislava today i believe. kerem is home. brian is home. chuck is home. and i am downtown, away from everyone in bel air that i havent seen in so long. i wish i weren't so far away from them right now, i want to see them and tell them "I'm SoRrY."


but the flashes of beauty are amazing. i have been blessed with an amazing job- hey i even sold a pipe to the bassist from sublime last week. i have an amazing, supportive family (and my parents are as good as they come).

Before I know it, my puppy will be home, my roomies will all move in and it'll be time for festivals!

whats going on with you lately?

my old place...

my old place, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Sorry so sorry... I feel like i have been pushed off of the face of the earth. so busy, so hectic, so nuts.

So a quick little highlight update:
-i moved to charles village.
-i have a new job.
-i am about 90% single.

life has rushed so quickly lately. no internet, a messy phone. i feel like i have been a hermit in my own world and am just now peaking out again (although i still have to go to the library for internet). i want to apologize to anyone reading this that has been hurt by my absence. I know I havent been available and i understand that i have acted selfishly... but finally things are begining to calm down and hopefully now i can feel able to breathe again.


i miss you---- sam, brian, justin, jason, jackie, joe, jamie, sara bella, , tom, karen, joey, tony..... you get the idea.