Finally!

Amazing..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

HaPpY hALLowEEn!

as a special halloween surprise....

my website it up!! It is very rough around the edges, but here it is!!

I hope you enjoy...

Girl of Your Dream

Still Life

Paris, oh paris!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Photo Friday's theme this week is still life.

:-)

Amazement...

Staceyann Chin, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I had the immense privledge this past weekend to meet the wonderful, talented, beautiful, breathtaking, life chaing poet Staceyann Chin after seeing her perform in Def Poetry Jam...

Her words are amazing and resonate with a certain quality that rings so true in my heart.

Check her out.
Seriously.

I stayed home because...

Me!, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I stayed home because I deserve better - because I love him so much but i never want to settle in life. I stayed home because I've been screwing everything up and I want to fix it. I stayed home because I haven't been myself since he stopped calling and I need to reclaim it all. I stayed home because I need to have a talk with him and I need more time to decide what to say. I stayed home because Sabrina called and my eyes are waking up to the friends I deserve. I stayed home because Miriam has entered my life and saved me piece by piece in ways I hope I'll one day be able to understand and maybe tell her.

I'm working on a special surprise, it should be ready in a week or so (hopefully). I can't wait to bring it out into the world!!! EEEK! I'm so excited.

Sisterly love...

Sisterly love..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Spending the weekend in philly. drove up with mom on friday and decided to stay on till tuesday. moments of my life falling apart- not going to trips, life changing decisions- things to do when i get home, so many things to fix- a life turned into such a mess. carin wont talk to me- krystal's words ressonate in my mind... and all the while coming to terms with my problem- my addiction- that constant incessant want and need- to feel less tense, less needing, less dependant and loud, less ME, less clarity. so what do i do? i take these days away from the pressure, the expectations (only to find that they follow me, they grow where i go after only a few days). i see def poetry jam and wait by the door for staceyann chin because her words brought me to tears. i will quit my job- no longer a slave of cancer and illness and bad hearts. i will seek something new- a co op, organic, something wortwhile, something with a trace of me in it. I go for long walks. i make phone calls to the one person at home who makes me want to return. i learn the life i need to live- i can be me- a loving, free spirit, always there for you, making a difference, hopeful, powerful, strong woman. i do not need him either- mike, this boy, this child wrapped in limbs too big for his heart, a mind, a conscience too small to guide his ears, his lips, his fingers. i will say goodbye to him eventually, slowly but precisely. i practice the words every day- i must be specific yet vague because deep inside i still fear the words they will speak about me behind my back- or maybe i was right at the begining and grew to be wrong about him. maybe he has a mind, a soul, deep inside- that respects me enough to not repeat those words spoken in the darkness of my insides, those trails we unearthed up and down our bodies entwined sweating and moaning until the sun came through the blanket and everything got hazy. and for that matter, who knows- i may be wrong about all of this and maybe my whole life has been a lie up to this point. but at least i lived it.

i fear my return home. too many responsibilities for my 3 hours a night couch sleep brain to handle. i must speak to the boss- quit, but pave a road for possible return, say goodbye to the family i grew to love "goodbye ruby tuesday"... i must take those photographs- distill these moments that leave me breathless and wondering, and also get that A to pin on the fridge. i have to get that new job- be enough, do enough, feel enough, have enough. i need money, to stop spending too. i need to move my things to her place and tell her the truth, find those words. and i must speak to him, to mama, papa, those friends lost and strayed. i must go to a meeting, tell someone, find someone to go through this with.

i ache.
from nights spend twisted
turned
contorted
unfamiliar lumpy couch.
no medicine in 3 days
eating too much
then not enough.

i miss my bed,
my mom.
my papa.
i miss home.

A shift...

The Journey


One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice----
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world
determined to do
the only thing you could do----
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

A hOmE At the eNd of thE wOrLd...

doorway, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I sit here in an unfamiliar place, a dear friend's bedroom that is quickly becoming my home. It feels comfortable after only a few days. The time rushes past so quickly and I don't even know where to begin in telling the story. There is just too much to tell- too much also that can't be told, that must be felt. I am eternally grateful to Miriam for the past few days- not needing to hear the story, but for laying on the couch and just feeling the story with me- feeling the pain and the confusion.
The past few days have brought more surprises, more twists and turns, than ever before. Saying goodbye, finding pseudo- clarity, discovering an unexpected and unexplainable crush, and at the same time being terrified of the love i watch slip through my fingers so quickly and with such ease.

I'm leaving tomorrow for a weekend away- though not really "away from it all" more of a weekend of "diving face first into it all" but I'm finding that might not be the worst thing. You can find me in Terra Alta, West Virginia at Trip's Farm for the Halloween Masquerade. Stories will be abound upon my return.
[Please be patient, I'm trying so hard to keep it all up]

Organic...

My room in maine, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

OOH! It's been a while since I really posted.

Life is swirlllling by spinning me around in circles with my hair waving and my skirt flying around.

This picture was taken during my wonderful weekend in Maine. This was the room that Meredith and I shared. I still can't look at pictures of that weekend without being amazed- where would I be now if I hadn't gone that weekend? I remember the night before I left I felt so out of control. I had waited until the last minute and needed to pack, shower, get money from work, and run around doing all those last minute things. And I just started crying. I just let go, surrenedered to my own inability to do things on time. I ran a steaming hot shower and put David Grey in the cd player. I let the tears roll heavy and hot down my cheeks and felt an intense fear- I had just fallen in love days before and there was a huge blob stuck in my stomach that told me "if you go you will lose him." I went to bed late and antsy. Woke up entirely too early, the sun was just coming up and driving to the airport you could see it trying so hard to peak through the clouds and bring in the day. Security was insane, I got held up and waited in lines longer than I could ever have imagined- but finally I got to the gate. I turned my cell phone on and had a voicemail. He had called (he called!!!) and left me the nicest message I have ever gotten- "Hey it's me. Um it's like 7 in the morning, I dunno. I havent gone to bed yet, I just couldnt sleep and I thought maybe you'd be up. I can't stop thinking about you. Have fun in Maine, call me when you get back"
It was the first time anyone had ever told me that- that they can't stop thinking about me. The first time anyone took the time to care about me like that. It was so genuine.

I have been thinking about that night a lot the past few days. Thinking about how much I need to start packing early for my trip next week. And in the middle of clutter again I found myself two nights ago showering with David Grey and crying, and I thought of it. And I realized how much things change... He is coming with my next week, thursday to monday and it just takes my breath away. It's not like it used to be... We make love, but we don't talk. I love him so much more, but I have to keep silent. The fear is greater but the release (the surrender) is greater. More trust exists.

I am absolutely adoring these photos, more to come later...

Holding...

Sabrina..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

To Have Without Holding
By: Marge Piercy

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

I can't do it, you say it's killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
You float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor's button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.

Special Friends

Miriam and Emmie, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

I had the extreme privilege last night to see my amazing friend Miriam in Stop Kiss at Goucher College. Miriam is the most intelligent, spirited, beautiful, talented person I have ever met. The story of our friendship is so funny. We have only met about two or three times, but every time we meet, it's like we have known each other forever. I think those kinds of friendships are what make us thrive. They are what inspire us and fill us with hope. I barely know Miriam, but I feel so connected to her- our souls have become so entwined. We had a long talk tonight about people like that. The people who when you first meet them you *know* that you are destined to be great friends. (Come back to me in a month and I guarantee Miriam will be a huge part of my life! And Guess What? She wants to move to San Fran with me next summer!!)

I feel so blessed by her friendship.

It reminds me so much of Meredith, my other soulful sweet sister. We met in Maine for a weekend, yet I miss her more than words! She is one of my dearest friends and our friendship is one that will only grow and thrive as time goes on.

These women I am getting to know amaze me. They bring out things in me that I love and remind me of all the good parts. But it makes me think a lot too, and doubt. These are the people I want to surround myself with- supportive, genuine, natural- yet somehow I keep making these other relationships and friendships that are so toxic for me. Why do we do that? I know so many people who have been brought so far down by a "loved one" whether it is a friend or a lover. We know that we shouldn't be investing so much in them, becoming so attached to them, but we can't help it- why? Why do we bother with the gossipers and back stabbers when there are Miriams and Merediths in the world?

If anyone lives in the Baltimore area, I highly suggest and insist that you go see Stop Kiss, it runs this weekend at Goucher College, and more information is available on their website. :-)

What now?

“And when I say you sucked my brain out
the english translation is I am in love with you
but it aint no fun
cause I don’t use words like love
you know words like that don’t matter
just don’t look so offended
you know you should be flattered…”
*ani difranco*

Soo, let’s be entirely honest- I’m really scared, really really scared.

I realized the other day how fitting these lyrics are to the situation with M. I keep thinking these things in my head over and over, I could marry him, I am falling in love with him. And he makes love to me and it all makes sense. But he doesn’t call. He just doesn’t call anymore… But there are no excuses (he used to call every day). And now finding out that his friends were saying things about me behind my back and not only was he not defending me, but he was agreeing. I know I am “better than him” and I know that I “deserve better than this.” But I don’t want better, I just want him. I asked after I left Friday morning- I just sat down on the couch with him and said so honestly, “Are you actually going to call this time?” he says, “yeah.” Me: “Am I just wasting my time with all of this stuff or what?” M: “No way, Im gonna call.” Me: “Promise?” M:”Yeah.”

But it’s Wednesday now, and still no word. So what do I do? Do I go over there and confront him about it? But when? When would be too soon? Would I look too desperate? Coming on too strong? (I know I need to sort these things out before the weekend of te 22nd, because we go to the Hippie Festival that weekend, I can’t spend five days in a tiny room with him unless we talk about this first, right? What do you think?)

So I’m opening up for suggestions because I’m a whacko… What would you do? What should I do? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Thank you.

Speed

driving downtown in a hurricane, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Photo Friday's challenge this week is Speed.

Influences...

seatbelt, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has something to say- another way to tell me what they think I should be doing, who they think I should be.

This is my year off. This is supposed to be my time for me- to figure out what I want with my life and to see where it is going. I don't fully understand why everyone wants to tell me that I am veering in the wrong direction. I really don't think I can stand another one of my "friends" telling me how I am losing control and sight of what is important. The year is only a month or so gone, I can't imagine the opinions that will pop up at the end.

You want to know what I have gotten out of my year so far? I got so much love out of it. Yes, I fell in love. I met people who broke my heart and made me want to get out of here. But those same people are making it so hard for me to leave. I also learned that I am not like everyone else. I can't go to a regular school and go to regular classes. I can't do that. So maybe I'm a loser because I can't even hack it at community college, and maybe I'm a loser for spending three days without sleep in someone's mom's basement. But you know what? This is me now. This is what I need. And I wish just one person would say "Okay, I understand. I love and support you and I know you will be just fine." Because if I hear "You are ruining your life" one more time I think I'm going to break.