Love....

cowgir mirror, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

So I've been thinking so much tonight. Sitting and wondering and thinking and realizing- this thing, this life that we have is so huge. It is impossible to grasp. And within this life, we have these chances to make something of it- chances to change people, to change ourselves, to really have an affect. I had a conversation with my friend Justin about it one night- the question of "how will you know that you have accomplished what you want in life?" and my answer was so simple and without hesitation.. All I want is to matter. I want to mean so much to another person that they can't imagine life without me. I want to mean so much to them that they want to be a better person for me.

And then from there I was thinking about something that happened tonight. Or maybe two things that happened tonight. (This is so hard- wanting to say every little detail of what happened, but not being able to. I can't put it into words, there is no possible way to form a sensible story or thought about what tonight brought me.) We all spend so much time withholding things- withholding love, words, kisses, truth. Why? It can't possibly be worth it to keep so much inside. Why are we so timid to tell lovers "I love you"? Why does it take so much to simply say "I am scared that I won't hear from you again for another two months and that kills me."?Why can't we just be honest? And I realized my reasons for holding back were so small, so pointless.
1- fear of coming on too strong
2- fear of pushing him further away/ scaring him
3- fear of being too much to handle

So where do I go from here?

I lay in bed and I write, I cry, I remember how it was when he called (when I didn't spend days just waiting to see if he will call me back). I watch Felicity because the third season came out on DVD and helps me feel less alone. And I pray. For those of you who know me well, you know that I have never really prayed- but I am now. I am because I want this so badly and because I don't know what else to do.

(It was the strangest thing tonight having everyone tell me that he was looking at me- that he was looking at me the whole time, but to have him not even say anything. And I dan't know what to do anymore...)

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"Love is complete and utter surrender. That's a big word, surrender. It doesn't mean letting people walk all over you, take advantage of you. It's when we surrender control, let go of our egos, that all the love in the world is there waiting for us. Love is not a game, it's a state of being."
Henry Miller, Reflections