Hotel Mirrors...

hotel mirrors, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

"nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another." *Elizabeth Cady Stanton

STress and the untangling of pressure... The past... hmmm... three months or so, ever since i have gone back to school, have been the largest groupings of stress and pressure to finish it all, or even just to do it all on time. Work, school, love, live, be truthful, be heartfelt, get my words out, but before that to even know what my words are. So I havent been writing much. I havent been drawing or painting or making much. I havent been doing much.
I've found that once I get stressed, once I reach that point where I just sit down with heavy eyes and say "it's too much. i cant figure it all out. i cant do it all. i cant be it all. i cant handle it all." It halts me. Stops me dead in my tracks and completely prevents me from forward movement. Like if I get off work at 9 knowing I have a paper to start and research for another paper to finish, rather than coming home and finishing by 11, or midnight, and going back out- I drive around. I get worked up and start to think about all the things that I don't have figured out yet- When exactly will I move this summer? When will I come back? Do I have enough money saved? CAn I afford the life that I want? Am I doing too much? Where will I live next semester? Should I transfer in the spring or the fall? Is Goucher really right? And then I am done for. I get so overwhelmed by the possibility of it all. I get so overcome by the idea that if I do one of these many many things that I am trying to do, then there will inevitably be another thing i wanted to do, but now cant because i am doing something else. (at least in terms of school, work, love, location, etc)
Yesterday though I had such a long talk with my amazing and beautiful mother. For hours I just kind of let most of it out... taking all my frustration and overwhelming feelings and presenting them to her. and she had at least one solution to each of them. while some of her solutions were completely impractical and unvaible, they were solutions and, in theory, would work. I hadn't even gotten to that point. I couldn't come up with any solutions- not even ones that make no sense. And within 5 minutes mama had burshed that away. She look at things so differently- maybe because we are two very different people, or maybe just because she was looking in on the situations and not actually living them. But she made it a little better.

It felt nice after months of tension and tight, clenched muscles to see some sort of silver lining... some sort of end to this year of my un-humanistic living.

emmielyles@yahoo.com