Anger management...

snow 005, originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

My life's mantra, the truth of my emotion my entire life until recently has been "I dont get angry. I get hurt." No matter what people did to me, no matter how horrible and "evil" I would never get angry at them. I would never hate. I didn't understand that emotion. It seemed pointless and like a waste of energy. Instead, I would get hurt. I would get set off by a small thing and whirl into depression over the "betrayal" that i always seemed to feel. I found solace in songs like "i am not smooth and i am not soft, and im not angry or mean..." or "i'm not angry, maybe you just dont understand, and if im crazy well i can deal with that..." Songs like these (although i didnt hear the second one until a month or so ago) comforted me through the rough spots in my life, mainly in the past four or five months.
And then something shifted.
I dated a seemingly amazing guy this past summer. I completely fell in love with him the moment I saw him, and thats the truth. I was coming out of an interesting "relationship" and this guy treated me so much better than anyone ever had- leaving messages before i left for a workshop and calling every day... little things. And then something shifted. He stopped calling. Why? His friends judged me, felt threatened by me, or just didnt like me. I guess it finally overtook him. But I found myself at his house (he lives with a friend of mine) in early september and things were amazing with him. And then he stopped calling again. And I still dont know why. But because of previous actions, I was put in a situation that i had to dig myself out of. a situation he knew about, but did nothing to help or support me. He had to have known how much I was suffering, but still he didnt call. And when I called him, I was ignored or hung up on. I was left to sit back and wonder where all of this hatred came from. Where did he dig down to find things worth hating me over? But still, the only emotion I felt was hurt. Love, and hurt.
I saw him about a week ago and he acted completely normal, like all these things had never happened. I needed something back from him so he got my number again and promised to call. And then it overtook me. I felt like my skin had been peeled off and all my nerves were exposed to the freezing cold air in that little take out place. I had found anger. And he didnt call and it happened again. Like a damn being let up, the water rushes through and anger rises at the most unexpected times, moving me to tears, heavy sobbing tears.
I dont hate him.
I am thankful for him teaching me new emotions...
I must allow myself this anger and not push it away. I must treasure it.