Sisterly love...

Sisterly love..., originally uploaded by PrincessEmily210.

Spending the weekend in philly. drove up with mom on friday and decided to stay on till tuesday. moments of my life falling apart- not going to trips, life changing decisions- things to do when i get home, so many things to fix- a life turned into such a mess. carin wont talk to me- krystal's words ressonate in my mind... and all the while coming to terms with my problem- my addiction- that constant incessant want and need- to feel less tense, less needing, less dependant and loud, less ME, less clarity. so what do i do? i take these days away from the pressure, the expectations (only to find that they follow me, they grow where i go after only a few days). i see def poetry jam and wait by the door for staceyann chin because her words brought me to tears. i will quit my job- no longer a slave of cancer and illness and bad hearts. i will seek something new- a co op, organic, something wortwhile, something with a trace of me in it. I go for long walks. i make phone calls to the one person at home who makes me want to return. i learn the life i need to live- i can be me- a loving, free spirit, always there for you, making a difference, hopeful, powerful, strong woman. i do not need him either- mike, this boy, this child wrapped in limbs too big for his heart, a mind, a conscience too small to guide his ears, his lips, his fingers. i will say goodbye to him eventually, slowly but precisely. i practice the words every day- i must be specific yet vague because deep inside i still fear the words they will speak about me behind my back- or maybe i was right at the begining and grew to be wrong about him. maybe he has a mind, a soul, deep inside- that respects me enough to not repeat those words spoken in the darkness of my insides, those trails we unearthed up and down our bodies entwined sweating and moaning until the sun came through the blanket and everything got hazy. and for that matter, who knows- i may be wrong about all of this and maybe my whole life has been a lie up to this point. but at least i lived it.

i fear my return home. too many responsibilities for my 3 hours a night couch sleep brain to handle. i must speak to the boss- quit, but pave a road for possible return, say goodbye to the family i grew to love "goodbye ruby tuesday"... i must take those photographs- distill these moments that leave me breathless and wondering, and also get that A to pin on the fridge. i have to get that new job- be enough, do enough, feel enough, have enough. i need money, to stop spending too. i need to move my things to her place and tell her the truth, find those words. and i must speak to him, to mama, papa, those friends lost and strayed. i must go to a meeting, tell someone, find someone to go through this with.

i ache.
from nights spend twisted
turned
contorted
unfamiliar lumpy couch.
no medicine in 3 days
eating too much
then not enough.

i miss my bed,
my mom.
my papa.
i miss home.