The truth?

Sparklers, originally uploaded by romanlily.

So to begin-- I definitely did not take this photo- nor do i know the person who took it... I found it on flikr.com and loved it, so here it is!

YEsterday was my EighTeeNth BirThDaY. I celebrated it well- got a tattoo (which i will post a picture of as soon as i can), went to a porn shop, went out to dinner with an amazing woman, saw one of my best friends... It was A teRRiFiC birthDaY.

Today however, I feel like such a child. I feel younger and more immature that I have EvEr fElt. I feel like I have been born again and have to ReLearn everything; how to LoVe, how to LeArN, how to Be... it all feels way too new.
I am questioning everything- but not in the good way. I am questioning things in a way that hurts ME, that makes me feel DouBtfuL of my deciSionS.
And also, I am realizing so strongly that the way I respond to things, the way I cope with things and handle them, has changed drastically over the past month or so... But deep down inside, I am still the same scared little girl screaming for attention- the little girl who just wants to be loved.
( aren't boys so tough sometimes? )
For The paSt few weeks, The one thing I could be sure of was that he cared. It was kind of the onLy ConStanT in my life. And then he StoPpEd caLLing and this HUge DistAnce has grown BetweEn us, a hoLe I fear I might trip into and fall tHousandS of feet untiL I hit the bottom HaRd and Have to CrAwL back up with BruiSes and SCraPes... And I feeL liKe such A chiLd becaUse I don't know iF i ShouLd taLk to hiM abouT it.

I just have So MuCh GroWinG leFt tO Do...