My story

I have been thinking a lot lately about my entries in this blog as of recently. I was thinking of how ugly my life must seem, how ugly the inside of my must seem because I have written so much about my anger and my pain. I haven't written much about my joy. Then I debated in my mind whether or not I should stop writing about the dark parts of my life and write of the pleasures and moments of ecstasy. Do I show you a picture of my life as dark or as light?
I don't know the answer to that question. But I do know that I want the story to be honest. I want it to include all parts- the disappointing, hurt, sick, sad, angry parts as well as the euphoric, excited, grinning, joyful parts.

So here is the honest story of my weekend because I think it is a good example of my life right now.

Friday night I went to work with one of my best friends in the world and had a great time and made some money as well. Saturday I woke up to a beautiful day and went art shopping and took a nice trip to the library. And I was going to go to the jewelry studio to work on my homework, but I started having the most horrible whole body ache. I felt dizzy and sweaty. So I drove home and had dinner with Granny and knitted for a while. Shortly after my entire family left, I got a huge wave of nausea that overtook me. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move. I laid on the couch for hours and then finally made it to my bed only to vomit all over it. I felt no better, but I made my way slowly upstairs and took my temperature and it was 103.5 eek! Finally my mom and dad got home and took care of me and put me to bed. I woke up feeling a little better Sunday morning and went into work from 10-2. I had dreaded it. I was afraid I would get sick and be stuck in an unfamiliar, scary place. Instead, I felt better when I left. I was in a great mood and the weather was amazing. A slight chill in the air and so sunny you had to squint when you walked outside! I went outside and played with some amazing kiddies who live next to me. MY heart was overflowing with joy! Then I came home for dinner with my beautiful, amazing parents for father's day. About 30 minutes later, I found myself passed out on the couch downstairs. I tried to get up and go to the bathroom but my left side, right near my ribs felt like someone had a vice wrapped around it and was tightening it. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I tried yelling for my mom to come down and eventually (about 20 minutes later) my dad heard me. Slowly, but surely, without food and with lots of water and a warm bath, the pain subsided and I was left with that cramping feeling like I just had to go to the bathroom. So I sat down to try to do the homework for my jewelry class that I couldn't do all weekend (I really do need to use stuff in the studio to do it!). I got so frustrated. The rest of this class (about 6 weeks) is comprised of broaches and pendants. I want to be positive and get the most out of it, but I have no desire to make these things. I wouldn't wear it and I don't want to make or sell anything that I myself wouldn't even wear. Not even halfway through my hoop earrings, I ran out of supplies. (grrrrrr- I cant take any more set backs!!) So I went online to research ideas for some broaches or pendants.
Then it seemed like the sky opened up and my heart opened up and the pain went away. I got so involved in this research- reading about women's roles in Africa and about Female Genital Mutilation made me feel so unbelievably lucky. I felt lucky to have the rights that I have (even though our president wants to take them away).

So although I am having a rough time handling my frustration and feelings of overwhelm, my life is filled with these moments of sheer happiness. Moments that are colored bright yellow and moments that make me smile no matter what I was doing before them.

So... That's the true story I guess.

Today I send to you warm summer days of running in the grass, or laying in bed with a good movie on or with a good book. I send to you happiness to be found however you wish!